


Sweet Home Los Angeles

by Thicely



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Found Family, Friendship, Inspired by Sweet Home Alabama (2002), Shelby Goodkind-centric, Slow Burn, They all need therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28843617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thicely/pseuds/Thicely
Summary: Shelby likes her life in Texas, having moved far past the Island and the life she built in Los Angeles with the Unsinkable 8. Now, to take the next step in her life plan, she has to go back. After four years of radio silence, she has to face Toni.She is terrified.Goodfoe Sweet Home Alabama AU
Relationships: GoodFoe - Relationship, Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe, unsinkable 8 - Relationship
Comments: 77
Kudos: 432





	1. Marriage License

**Author's Note:**

> I have never written a story before but this ship just brings my repressed heart a lot of joy. Please excuse the typos. I am too shy to have anyone help me correct.

Shelby Goodkind is getting married. After three years of engagement, postponing dates, rescheduling meetings with the wedding planner, redirecting the conversation whenever her friends would bring it up, she is ready to tie the knot. In a month, she will be married. If only the license office would hurry up and give them the go ahead. They had filed over two weeks ago and were only just now called to pick up their license.

Shelby sits in the office chair, her leg moving up and down as she grows more impatient. She turns to the side and analyzes her fiance’s profile. He is no Tony Romo, [Yes, he is a HE] but Ken Walker understands Shelby more than most. An actually good christian boy not just one for show like her ex-boyfriend [if she can really call him that] Andrew, he had become Shelby’s best friend after she moved back to Texas. Really, her only friend since she cut off all ties with the Unsinkable 8.

Shelby flinches at the thought of her old friends, her old life really, snapping her back into the moment. The stale waiting room was silent. The only sound coming from the clock on the wall, the outdated air conditioning turning on and off.

Ken looks at Shelby and exaggerates a snore. She gives him a small smile. They were quite comfortable with each other. She could do worse than marrying a friend. He respected Shelby’s wish to wait until marriage and even followed it himself. During a wine and cheese night, he had in a roundabout way confessed to Shelby that he was asexual or as the born and raised Texan christian put it _“Just not all that interested in bumping uglies. Never have been.”_

Maybe that’s why Shelby felt so comfortable spending time around him. No ogling eyes or wandering hands, just pure companionship. They had never even officially started dating. Everyone had just assumed, with a man and a woman spending that much time together. A good partner, Ken’s sexuality meant they would only have to bump uglies if they wanted a kid. Shelby grimaces. _Or we could just adopt_ the gold star lesbian thinks.

She and Ken had learned from both of their parents that marriage for love was just a fantasy. This was the only way. They could keep their church and community, have the family they always wanted, and Shelby could stay in her siblings' life. _People have it worse. You don’t have to marry for love._ Shelby forces her thoughts to shut down before they wander back to a place that could only bring her pain.

“Mr. Walker and Ms. Goodkind?”

They walk over together just close enough so people could tell they were a couple.

“Right here m’am” chirps Ken with a big grin across his face. He, like Shelby, had learned to master Southern charm at a very young age.

“Well aren’t you two the handsome young couple” the clerk compliments them before turning her eyes to the paper in her hands. “It looks like you two are planning to get hitched in 5 weeks, on the 18th”.

“Yes m’am,” Shelby smiles wondering why the clerk can’t get to the point.

“There just seems to be a small issue. It must be a mistake but we can’t issue the license until it is resolved.” Shelby and Ken mirror looks of confusion as they wait for the clerk to continue. The elderly woman picks up the piece of paper and squints as she analyzes it.

“Ms. Goodkind have you ever lived in the State of California?”

Shelby pauses, completely clueless as to why she’s bringing it up. She still does her best to keep her voice sweet and polite. “Yes m’am. For a few years, three to be exact, but that was quite a while ago.”

“Hmmm maybe this is another Shelby Goodkind… Are you familiar with this address?”

Shelby’s smile visiblt falters as she hears the address, old memories threatening to break the dam she had defensively set up.

“Yes, but like I said th-that was...quite a...a while ago.” She manages to end her sentence with an unconvincing smile.

The clerk looks up from the paper trying unsuccessfully to hide her shock and ...was it disgust? “Are you aware that you were and legally still are the domestic partner of a MISS Toni Sh -Shal E foe?”

Shelby’s heart skips a beat.

“The state of Texas cannot grant you and Mr. Walker a marriage license until the state of California acknowledges the termination of your domestic partnership. ”

Shelby really doesn’t hear anything after Toni’s name, although horribly butchered, is uttered. She could feel the dam she had diligently built in her mind starting to crack. Somehow she manages to respond.

“My old roommate...It ...it was just ...just for insurance purposes...I-I also submitted the Notice of Termination yeARS ago.. So-”

“Yes we have a record here that says the notice was rejected because the forms weren’t completely signed. I have a copy right here..”

Shelby is left visibly startled and speechless. Ken, who has been pretty calm especially for someone who has just learned his straight Bible loving fiance is in a domestic partnership with a woman, spoke instead.

“We’ll just take the copy now and come back once we get this all sorted out. Thank you kindly.

*****

_Shelby smiled into the kiss, the sound of a flashing camera followed. Toni laughed as she pulled away wrapping her arm around Shelby to hold her at her side._

_“To Mrs. and Mrs. …..GoodKind?? Shalifoe???. Goodfoe!?!?! '' Fatin yelled. “Your first picture as domestic partners''. She handed them the polaroid as an offering”_

_“Y’all are basically married though right? Rachel chimes in._

_“Not technically but in some ways yes” adds Nora. “Unless they want to have children and share more finances, legally they have many of the same contractual ties as a marriage”_

_“Well a domestic partnership is probably a lot easier to hide from the homphobic parents,'' says Leah. “Sorry I was just thinking out loud.”_

_“Knowing these two... They’ll be married soon enough” Martha chuckles._

_“Yeah!” Dot whoops._

_Everyone laughs. They celebrated their new legal status with just the Unsinkable 8. The idea had started because Shelby really needed health insurance, but it became their way of getting married while still hiding the fact from Shelby’s parents. Her father wouldn’t let her see her siblings otherwise. They exchanged vows with Dot unofficially officiating. Nora had made a cake from a recipe on pinterest. Leah chose the music and Fatin had brought enough alcohol to last all the way through the night. It had been perfect._

*****

_“Just make sure she signs and initials everything. They are a real stickler about forms alright?” Shelby asserts, trying but failing to add brevity to her tone, pacing back and forth as she holds up the phone to her ear._

_“Lighten up Shelby. She gets it. We get it. You’re divorcing her and dumping all of us. You don’t have to call every few days to rub it” in Fatin bites back in a tone that is as serious as Fatin gets._

_“I’m not-”_

_“You’ll get the forms soon. We’re sending it priority mail” Fatin hangs up._

_Shelby pauses in the kitchen. Straining to hold back the tears from welling up in her eyes. She failed, sobbing alone in her house in Texas. Feeling utterly alone._

********

They’re in the car. Kyle at the driver seat hands the papers to Shelby who hasn’t been able to look him in the eye.

She does her best to look through the forms without really thinking about it. Toni signed and initialled every line with big swooping letters. Where’s the mistake? She flips through the pages several times until it hits her. Shelby had made the mistake.

The line glaring at her.

_I declare with confidence the partnership no longer has the bond of trust, friendship, and mutual love could keep us together for the foreseeable future._

Shelby’s initials were missing. She blinks repeatedly, her throat tightening. She had skipped over it telling herself she would get back to it later, unable to say for even a moment even for the sake of a legal document that she no longer loved Toni. She closes her eyes shut tightly as if that could keep the flood of emotions from running.

“It’s no problem Shelby. We can get this form filed in no time.” Ken says cautiously. “Or you know… we don’t need to get married next month. We can postpone or just halt it altogether.”

Shelby turns to Ken, feeling guilty for putting her friend through this. “No...Ken..that’s not necessary. It really was… we- we really were just roommates. I didn’t have any insurance at the time and she had pretty good coverage working for the government so it was just pure economics that’s all.

Ken listens but doesn’t waste any time responding. 

“We both know each other too well to go on lying to each other. You don’t have to lie to me and I don’t have to lie to you and pretend like your lie worked. Ok. We don’t have to talk about this but you don’t have to lie to me. You of all people should know that I don’t care who people love.”

Shelby is silent knowing Ken was telling the truth. His older brother Kyle, had taken his own life after years of failed attempts at conversion therapy. It was one of the things that had brought them together. Both had lost their best friend to suicide. Both had gotten engaged to avoid the gossip, disapproval, and definite exile from their church and family.

“It’s fine. Really. I can just initial here and get this turned in. We should be able to get our marriage license in no time.” She rummages through her purse for a pen.

“Shelby,” Ken says with enough seriousness to get Shelby to look at him. “Those files are definitely expired. You are going to have to get new ones and get them signed again.”

Shelby’s heart literally stops as she realizes what it all means. After everything, after Los Angeles, after breaking her heart, after four years... _FUCK..._ She’s going to have to talk to Toni.


	2. Shelby is Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly flashbacks where Shelby is genuinely happy. Only the last one is in the present storyline. I wasn't sure how else to build the background I wanted. This ended up being longer than I intended. The next chapter will focus more on the main storyline. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I haven't allowed myself to write this much before. It is fun!

Clapping, cameras, flashing, cheers - Shelby is eleven, struggling to find the right place to look as the crown is placed on her head and sash thrown over her shoulder before she even really registers her name was announced. _Shelby GoodKind. First place._ **_She won_**. It all overwhelms her. 

Finding those familiar smiling faces in the crowd calms her down immediately. Her father is whooping and clapping, the loudest in the crowd, with a giggling Spencer on his hip. Her mother just smiles brightly looking directly at Shelby holding Melody’s hand. Her little sister waves. She’s not thinking about the retainer in her mouth at all. Just her family. That first pageant - that moment standing in front of the four most important people in the world, proud and joyous because of something she did- she could live on this feeling. 

They have breakfast for dinner to celebrate. Shelby finishes making topping off a pancake with whip cream. A smiley face with an extra wide grin to match her little sister’s toothless one. Melody devours it in seconds making her older sister laugh. As the eldest sibling, She took her responsibility very seriously, from the moment Melody was born. 

_At the hospital, Her father chatters a mile a minute on the phone, celebrating to anyone who would listen, telling everyone the news. His beautiful wife, Beth just gave birth. His second born. Another daughter! Standing at the foot of the bed, Shelby watches her mother cradle Melody to her chest. Peaceful. She hadn’t even looked her baby sister in the eyes yet, but Shelby knows the love in her heart is real._

_“Shelby” her mother’s voice is soft. “Come over here.” Shelby walks over slowly sensing the seriousness of the moment._

_“Take her.” Shelby immediately freezes. “It’s alright. You won’t hurt her. It’s just like holding one of your baby dolls at home.”_

_Shelby’s seven year old brain doesn’t know quite how to tell her mother that she doesn’t feel responsible enough, worthy to hold something so vulnerable and precious but in the midst of her panic Melody is already in her arms sleeping, sounding and nuzzling into her chest. Shelby wore her favorite pink shirt, the one with the daisies, for the special occasion. It quickly has drool spots all over. She cannot bring herself to care in the slightest as she watches her sister's little nose crinkle, her baby chest moving quickly in and out._

_“Shelby look at me.” Shelby manages to tear her gaze away looking at her mother in the hospital bed. Her hair is disheveled. She’s sweaty, but the moment is anything but comical. “She is yours. Your sister - She will need you to protect her.”_

_Shelby nods in agreement, still confused by the gravity of her mom’s voice. “But she has you ... and daddy.”_

_Beth Goodkind smiles. “The world can be very dangerous in ways that you don’t always expect. She will need all the protection she can get. It is the cost of having a family. You understand Shelbs? It is your job to protect her...from everything.”_

_Shelby nods firmly looking down at her baby sister in her arms. “I will momma. I promise.” She means it. She knows with every fiber of her being. Shelby will do anything to protect her sister._

Shelby looks across the dining room table. Her brother and sister eating their pancakes, her father rambling on about his plans to announce her win to the congregation, and her mother. Beth Goodkind makes eye contact with Shelby. They’re thinking the same thing. **_I love my family._ **

*****

The pageants make Shelby a mini celebrity in her hometown. Being the most popular girl in school doesn’t mean she’s immune to the cruelties of middle school. She does not brush it off as easily as she pretends to. _Her face won’t be so pretty when she’s old. I wouldn’t spend THAT much time on my hair. I don’t think smiling counts as a talent._

“Shelby I’m leaving. Now, Are you going to make your daddy leave without a good-bye kiss.” His face softens as he sees Shelby curled up in her bed. “Why the long face sweetie.” 

Shelby sits up wiping her cheeks as she leans into to give him a hug. “Just the girls at school...they think I am an airhead. Only good at pageants and looking pretty.” 

“Now that is nonsense. I bet they’re just jealous.” Dave pulls away from the hug. He continues seeing Shelby is not quite convinced. 

“You are the smartest girl in your class, school and bible study. You bake the best chocolate chip cookies and pancakes. Melody and Spencer can’t get enough of them. You are the best big sister they could have ever asked for. I am so glad they have you to look up to. AND you dance. You’re a shoe in to make the cheer squad freshman year .” 

“That’s what they all expect from me. A pretty, ditzy airhead..” Shelby grumbles. 

“I am sorry honey. People, sometimes people are just mean. That is just the cost of success. You know gossiping, it really is a sin. God loves without judgement. You are much more than those girls will ever know. The people who know you, we love you. Me, your mother, Melody, and Spencer - we will always love and support you. When I get back from my hunting trip….” Her father pauses. 

“What?” Shelby asks. 

“Know what? You’re coming with us. Once you shoot down a bear, no one will be able to call you ditzy again” he grins, putting a reassuring arm on his daughter's shoulder.

“But I don’t know how to hunt.”

“No problem! I’ll teach ya. Come on I’ll help you pack.” He jokes around with his daughter picking out the most ridiculous outfits until Shelby is forced to hop out of bed and grab her clothes herself. 

She never shoots a bear. On the contrary, The first trip - Shelby is freaking miserable. Cold. Wet. She doesn’t hit anything and is about to cave. Maybe she is just a ditzy pretty face. Whatever. Just give her some indoor heating. But, her father steps in before she really lets herself believe it. He teaches her how to trap ground critters and she’s skinning her first squirrels at nightfall. The taste left a lot to be desired but Shelby didn’t really notice too busy laughing at her fathers hunting stories. 

The more popular her fathers congregation gets, the less available and the more strict he gets. He opens a spin gym. Shelby isn’t allowed to make cookies or pancakes anymore. He doesn’t really joke around anymore. On the hunting trips, away from the house, the eyes of the townspeople, church members, She gets her old father back. When she shoots down the 10-point buck he’s cheering for her in the middle of the field just like he did at her first pageant. Shelby loves hunting. 

******

“Daddy says this could be the last one.” She’s laying on the hotel bed staring at the ceiling. Her mother is on her laptop typing up some announcement for the PTA bake sale or football fundraiser or whatever PTA moms usually have to type up. 

Shellby had just won what felt like her 100th pageant. A big one. In New York. The winnings were enough to cover all of her tuition at her parents alma mater, a christian college just over an hour away from their front doorstep.

As much as Shelby loved the pageants in the beginning, they were really starting to drain her. With school, church, and cheerleading she really only had time to hang out with one friend, Becca. She was ready to enjoy high school like a regular teenager.

“You’re doing so well honey. A few more can only help your chances.”

“Why? Don’t I have enough college money. What else do I need to do? Why am I never good enough for you?” 

Her mother had become more and more adamant that Shelby win every possible pageant possible entering her in bigger national pageants. _It will look good on your resume._ Shelby is a shoe in for any state college. Anyone could see that. Yet her mother always pushed her to go for that extra workout, rehearse the song just one more time. 

“Shelbs….I am sorry. You have sacrificed a lot and won a lot of college money. I am proud of you. You are good enough.” Shelby’s mom sits on the bed beside her. “I just...want you to have options. Although you do have enough to go to some colleges. It is not enough to go to any college. If you do some more pageants… Honey, you could go anywhere. 

Shelby looks visibly confused. “I don’t want to go anywhere else. I want to stay close to you, and Daddy and Mel and Spencer.” 

“You just might change your mind.”

No I won’t. I have my family. That’s all I ever want. I am happy where I am.”

“Shelby, that’s all you have ever known. Sometimes... Sometimes people don’t know what they want until they’ve known other stuff too.” 

Her mother’s words surprised Shelby. It’s unlike her to contradict Daddy like this. If her father was here…. 

“Well Daddy has always wanted me to go where y’all went.” 

“Your father wants a lot of things. Do you really want to become a pastor and run the cycling gym?” Shelby wrinkles her brows in obvious disgust. “See? You might want different things. Stuff your Daddy doesn’t want for you but it doesn’t mean it’s bad” 

Beth Goodkind stood up, picking up her purse and gesturing for Shelby to follow. “Come on. Let me show you. Your Daddy doesn’t know everything. We’re going to have fun.” 

Shelby doesn’t understand what has gotten into her mother. They get ice cream. Double scoop with the waffle cones. They’re running around the brightly lit New York streets. Her father would have squashed any notion of them going out after dark before they could get a word out. She just finishes her cone before she realizes where they are. WICKED. 

Dave Goodkind would be yelling heresy just at the name itself. Her mother buys two tickets, good seats, too with cash. Shelby has no idea where her mother would get that kind of money, definitely not from her father. Fortunately all thoughts of Mr. Goodkind leaves her mind as the play starts. Shelby knows the words by heart, having listened to it as many times as possible whenever she slept over at Becca’s place. 

Her mother is so free. They sing and laugh long after the play is over. At the hotel Shelby curls into her mother's side as they fall asleep. Beth turns off the light and kisses her daughter's forehead. 

“I love you Shelby. Never forget that.” 

******

The pageants, the college money it all comes in handy. 

After the island, Shelby is the star of the press shows even with a bald head. They get enough notoriety to throw anything their parents try back in their face. She refuses to accept the Goodkind's apologies. Even Dave Goodkind can’t refute her right to be angry after what they put her through. She basically cuts them off, only reaching out to her siblings on scheduled calls. 

She goes to UCLA with the rest of the Unsinkable 8. The scholarship money doesn’t cover it all but it is enough. The anticipated settlement money won’t come in for a while so she gets a part time job along with everyone else. Fatin spends her watch money on a hefty down payment on a shitty( in Tonis words) 5-bedroom house. Rachel lives with her teammates but visits enough to eat all their food. The rest squeeze in and manage to cover the mortgage payments.

Most of them take classes through every summer. Martha and the Reid sisters being the only ones who managed to forgive their parents. Toni lands an internship with Social Services that soons turns into a part time job that gives her the coveted health insurance. Their choice to be legally tied together does feel like a marriage. They take it seriously even as they begin their 2nd year of college. 

They all celebrate the end of spring semester pre-gaming in their living room. Shelby sways to the music in the living room exaggerating her movements to make Toni laugh. She succeeds, feeling Toni’s arms around her waist bringing her into a tight hug. 

“Ugh. You guys are so gross.” Leah grumbles slouching further into the reclining chair. 

“Leah, just because you and Ian broke up doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist anymore” Fatin responds sitting on the armrest of the chair.“But...you guys have been together for like a 100 years in lesbian time. Shouldn’t you gals hate each other by now?”

Toni and Shelby laugh as they snuggle closer together.

“Lesbian time does run differently,” agrees Toni “but you know being in love is pretty nice.” She looks at Shelby smiling. “I’m thinking we’ll last another 100 years, straight people time.” 

Shelby feels a slight blush in her cheeks. She pecks Toni on the lips before adding in her own quip.

“Fatin I know you’re the master of sexual tension...but do you actually have that much or any experience when it comes to love?” 

Fatin doesn’t respond but squints her eyes in a mock death glare.

“I heard that once upon a time...there was a grocery bagger boy,” Leah responds. 

“BiiitCH that.was. private.” Fatin bumps into Leah with her shoulders every time between her words. 

“Literally nothing about you is private.” Dot interjects taking a sip from her red solo cup. Literally not a single part of your body or Professor Rothman’s.” Everyone laughs. 

“WILL I never live that down?”

“You FUCKED our english professor in my chair.” Dot shouts a little slurred. 

Leah shudders a little realizing where she’s sitting before adding “And we all saw because it was literally the ONE day a week we all get together to have lunch.” 

“Sometimes the moment just takes over you know. HE was hot, young, the glasses, scraggly beard. Plus he was only a VISITing professor.” 

“Yeah but I can never unsee his bare white ass... no matter how hard I try.” Rachel adds with disgust. 

“At least we can all be grateful Martha was visiting her family and spared the horror” says Nora looking to her roommate on her right. 

Martha laughs with everyone else with a sly look in her eyes, “Yeah well I got my own stuff I cannot unsee.” Everyone follows her gaze towards Toni and Shelby.. 

Shelby immediately buries her head into Toni’s shoulder, hiding her face. Everyone laughs as Toni complains. “Fuck, Marty you promised you woudn’t tell.”

“I didn’t say anything. Just maybe don’t park the car right in front next time.” Everyone laughs even harder with the conversation soon turning towards a nostalgia, retelling everyone’s most embarrassing moments in their house. 

Shelby watches everyone get ready to head out to the club. Nora’s at the door calculating the exact amount of time it will take to get there, Martha giggling at her side. Dot with Rachel is putting away the extra beers. Fatin cracks multiple jokes while making an exaggerated effort to pull Leah her out of the recliner. Toni grabs her jacket and Shelbys helps her taller girlfriend put it on from behind. Shelby can’t help but agree with Fatins words. 

“I love you guys,”Fatin laughs as they head out the door. 

******

Just a carry on should be fine. Shelby folds her shirts inside, sighing as she closes her eyes. She cannot believe she is flying to Los Angeles. She just does not have a choice.

Toni does not answer her calls. It cuts straight to the death tone. Toni had blocked her. [Not that Shelby would blame her.] The rest of the girls refuse to even discuss bringing the subject to Toni's attention. 

Shelby thinks Martha, now living in Minnesota, would be the easiest to approach but she barely manages to get out a genuinely excited “Howdy” before she’s cut off.

“Don’t ever call me, Shelby. I mean it.” Shelby has never heard Martha sound so angry.

“No. Shelby. Just No. I am not going to fuck with her like that,” Rachael huffs.

“Toni signed those papers ages ago. I am not going to ask her to do it again, It would be just really bad,” states Nora. 

Leah and Fatin try to fax her a forged although incredibly realistic signature but without a seal of approval from a notary. 

“Apparently every notary does follow the stereotype of super nerd. What can I say, they have standards no matter how much cash I throw at them,” complains Fatin. 

“There was something wrong with the papers and you’re just telling us now,” Dot accuses, the calmest of the bunch. 

“ I just found out. Please, if my dad ever finds -” 

“Yeah we know Goodkind but it’s been what...6 years since you guys…” Dot had gotten used to pretending the whole Shoni thing had never happened. “The point is he still doesn't know so why-”

“I need this done yesterday. At least within the next few weeks or…”

“...or what?...” 

“It’s just important ok.” 

“Well so is Toni.” Shelby’s heart flutters at her name. “She is doing alright. For the first time in a while. You call out of the blue asking us all to mess her up again with no reasons as to why now, why so urgent. Nothing. You’re just going to have to figure it out.” 

“Dottie-” The line goes dead. 

They had all hung up on her. So she is figuring it out now, packing a carry on for a flight in the next afternoon. 

She should probably be feeling a lot of emotions but she had quickly repaired her emotional dam after the whole marriage license fiasco. She really doesn’t feel anything at all. She meticulously keeps her past and present separate for this very purpose. After she finishes packing she prepares her living room for her siblings to sleepover. 

They visited often, usually after school and slept over every weekend. Since it is summer, they spend at least half of their time with Shelby. Mr. Goodkind usually stays late at work or the church. Shelby invited them to sleep over the night before she leaves if anything to just raise her spirits. After her engagement to Ken, Shelby’s father rarely has any objections to his two younger children spending as much time as possible with Shelby. 

They’re teenagers but still look up to Shelby like she is the sun. She gives them the largest hugs she can muster. It immediately lightens her mood. They watch Mulan, munching on the popcorn made with Shelby’s movie theater quality machine. She made sure to keep her place fully stocked with all the snacks Mr.Goodkind never allowed. She had attempted early on to live in her old home but quickly found that living situation impossible. 

Real estate in her hometown is dirt cheap compared to Los Angeles. With her settlement money, Shelby could easily afford multiple mansions there. She settled on a simple three bedroom home with an open floor plan. That way she could make snacks and still watch the film during their regular movie nights. 

“I don’t think I would join the army for Daddy,” says Spencer, eyes still glued to the TV. 

“Huh I would N-O-T NOT,” agrees Melody. 

“Nuh- Uh No dishonoring thy father in this house,” chuckles Shelby, not managing to even fake a look of reprimand as her siblings giggle. 

“You’re not going to be away for too long are you Shelbs.” Spencer asks a hint of fear in his eyes. Melody, better at hiding her emotions by now, still looked anxiously over at her big sister. 

“No. It’s just for work. There’s a big project that they need my help out there with.” It isn’t a complete lie. Shelby works for a national consulting firm, focusing on marketing products to christians. Upon learning she wanted to head to Los Angeles they temporarily assigned her to their office over there. 

“Last time you were in LA you didn’t come back for three years,” points out Melody. 

“I was in college then. I also finished ahead of time in three years just so I could get back to you guys as soon as possible. Look, I promise I will be back in no time. Even if the project does take longer…”Shelby says cautiously aware that her siblings are hanging on her every word. 

“I’ll still be available every night to help you with your college applications Mel. And Spence, we can go on those virtual runs together. So you will be a shoe in for the football team come tryouts.” Her words seem to put her siblings at ease. 

“Now come on we can’t miss this song.” They sing every lyric to I’ll Make a Man out of You. Shelby’s heart feels light. Sometimes Shelby seriously questions whether she would go to battle for her father, but she knows with one hundred percent certainty, she would sacrifice everything, fight in any war for her siblings. She loves them with everything that she has.


	3. Their House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter follows the movie a lot more closely. The dialogue fits their characters to me.

_Shelby is used to thunderstorms. Back in Texas she loved them, but she had always been in the safety of her house or in her Daddy’s truck. On the island they aren’t so pleasant._

_She and Toni are out on a food run when it strikes. They hadn’t even collected anything yet, mostly scouting for new sources. They didn’t want to completely deplete the lychees like they had with the berries. Birds, rodents, and other goats had come along but Toni made it her personal mission to find more vegetarian sources for Marty’s sake. Weeks after the goat, the whole entire nightmare of the shark attack, Martha still cringed when she ate meat._

_Shelby admires Toni’s loyalty. Her compassion. The same traits that make Martha so easy to love, Toni held just as strongly just hidden under a rough exterior. A defense mechanism. Shelby can easily see past it now. Not that she really has to look that hard anymore. Somehow she had gained Toni’s trust and Toni had become completely open with her. Shelby loves it._

_Ever since she and Toni had become a couple, Shelby had stopped thinking about home, fearing that she would be alone. Even now as they run to find cover, Toni does the little things to look after her. She grabs Shelby’s hand as they slide down muddy terrain. Steadies her as they go up a path. Clears the branches so they won’t get stuck in the blondes unruly hair. Luckily, they’re conveniently close to the cave they once used to sleep in so they run there._

_“Shit it is soooo cold.” Toni shivers bringing Shelby closer to her. They settle together, sitting down in a little nook, waiting for the storm to pass. They don’t really talk, just silently enjoy each other's presence. A crack of thunder startles them from their peace._

_“ Doesn’t nature ever make you feel just so small? Asks Shelby. “But like in a good way. Like no matter what is happening in life, you can just look out and see this powerful beautiful thing right there. It’s always there.” She leans into Toni. “Sorry I don’t mean to be random.”_

_“No, I was just thinking," Toni assures, snuggling in closer to Shelby. “I like it when you talk.” They both chuckle. “Probably because I am just bad at it.” Shelby nudges Toni in disagreement._

_“You know back in Minnesota, I used to spend some of my nights in the back of this truck. It really wasn’t that bad, I made up a whole comfy bed with blankets and everything. On a good cloudless night, looking up at those stars, it was nice. Not holding on to all that anger. Just enjoying nature.”_

_Shelby wants to hold Toni as tight as possible at the thought of her alone, homeless. She settles for snuggling in closer to Toni’s chest as she responds.“I used to watch thunderstorms like these in a truck. “When we get back, maybe we could try it.”_

_“Or we can just get a house together.” Tony says. Shelby smiles._

_“Why’s that,” Shelby questions, leaning her face closer to Toni’s._

_Toni grins and puts on her best southern accent. “So I can kiss you anytime I want.” They both laugh at the cheesiness. “But seriously…” Toni adds in her regular voice just so we can do this.” Toni leans in closer, “but inside around a nice WARM fireplace.”_

_Toni kisses Shelby as another crack of thunder roars. Shelby smiles, “I’d like that. A lot.”_

_******_

The plane lands roughly shaking Shelby from her nap. She rubs her eyes. The memory surprises her. She usually does not have dreams. She tries her best to not think about the island. _Dwelling on the past won’t lead to anything good._

In the rental car Shelby distracts her thoughts with gospel music. It's really not her favorite but the music puts her in the right mindset for what she’s about to do. _This is who you are._ Everyone she called, even old friends outside of the Unsinkable 8, refused to give her any real information on how to get a hold of Toni. Apparently everyone knew just how badly Shelby fucked it up with her ex-roommate. Her text messages about a workplace, an address went unanswered. Fatin had only responded with some obscene GIFS. _They really do hate you now._

She has nowhere to really start from, so she starts based on the last place she saw Toni. Their old house. 

*****

_They buy the house because Fatin ever the financial wizard doesn’t just want to sit on her Dad’s watch money but invest it. Dot also pitches in with the money she makes from selling her old house even though she’s skeptical of the high LA prices. Fatin talks her into it._

_“Trust me. My mom’s a realtor. We’ll make our money back as soon as we graduate.”_

_Plus finding a place that will rent a place big enough to accommodate seven college students is a hassle in itself. Fatin and Leah pick out the house. No one else cares as long as it is within a decent distance to campus._

_“Home Sweet Home” Toni coos in an exaggerated southern accent, as she and Shelby stand in the front yard looking at their new home._

_Shelby adjusts the box she’s holding before saying “Couldn’t have said it better myself. Come one let’s go see if there’s a fireplace,” walking towards the door._

_It does not, but it is decent for what they could afford. It’s a slightly run-down, lower-middle class home with garage space for 3 cars; Fatin’s Mini Cooper, Leah’s Subaru Outback, and Nora’s Toyota Prius. Rachel parks her matching prius in the driveway, next to Dot’s dad’s beat up Ford truck when she visits which is a lot._

_The twins share a therapist who advises best they not live together in college. The Island had brought them together, so close that they both felt unbearable anxiety when apart. They spend the majority of their last year in high school untangling that dependency. The Unsinkable 8 have regular talks about their therapy sessions. They heal together. Everyone does what they can to make sure Dot spends more time on self-care. They don’t let Fatin joke away a moment of genuine hurt. Every member of the group knows how to walk Toni through her calming breathing exercises and help Leah get out of bed in the morning. The only one who doesn’t share much about her counseling sessions is Shelby. They all know her separation from her family in Texas is the most strained. Shelby usually brushes it off. “I’m fine. Y’all are my family now.” They agree._

_No one else had parents rich enough to give them cars before the island or after out of guilt (in Nora and Rachel’s case.) They are fine bumming rides to class or just bicycling around or in Toni’s case skateboarding. Grocery shopping is a group affair anyway. With only 5 rooms Toni and Shelby naturally get one, and Nora and Martha share because neither of them ever had their own rooms growing up anyway. Their personalities complement each other well. They are the only two to never have a roommate spat. Toni and Shelby have the most which means Nora learns what it is like to have Toni as a roommate, if only for a few days at a time._

_Shelby always felt like the bed was too big without Toni. After their first fight, she fills it with pillows. Toni laughs when she sees, asserting she was right about Shelby, but she doesn’t complain when she helps Shelby in their daily ritual of taking them down and setting them up. It’s actually one of Shelby’s favorite things, watching Toni smile like a dork for a few uninterrupted minutes._

_******_

Shelby’s attention snaps back to the present once the street becomes all too familiar.. _She probably burned all those pillows by now._ After a few more turns she sees it. The fencing is new, the house has been painted a light white instead of the old gray, and there’s a red Harley and black Camaro in the driveway, but she would recognize it anywhere. That’s their house. 

Shelby takes a deep breath before she adjusts her sunglasses, opens her car door, immediately startled as a familiar yowl breaks her monologue she had been practicing. The cat doesn’t let up the closer Shelby gets.

She is just through the front gate when it starts rubbing against her legs. “Aaagh... Not. Now.” She gives up trying to shoo the tabby away, scratching its ears. “Fine I missed you too. Just stop your meowing… ugh.”

“She’s not that bad,” Shelby’s heart flutters at the sound of the family raspy voice. “Just takes a moment, a quick moment as you can see, to get used to strangers.” Toni’s chuckle is so familiar it hurts. Shelby stands up straight to look Toni in the eye, taking in a deep breath at the sight. Toni doesn’t recognize her but just says with a cute grin, “What can I do for you?” 

Toni still looks the same but different. Still just 5’3” but her posture is better so she exudes confidence. It’s attractive. _No._ It makes her seem more mature. Still has the same casual style, wearing a white tank top and dark jeans, but no holes or tears. Still wiry but added a little more muscle. Still grins like an absolute dork but her features are sharper, her jawline even more defined. _GOD._ _Stop thinking about that._

Shelby hasn’t seen that or touched that face in four years… She had been afraid that she would break at the sight of it, begging for another chance, giving up everything she had built in Texas. But NO. Shelby is angry. Watching Toni chuckle, FLIRT with a (as far as she knows) stranger on her front porch in a muscle tee caked in sawdust. _She’s into carpentry now_? 

“She’s doing alright. For the first time in a while,” Dot had definitely understated. She should have said, Toni is doing absolutely fucking fantastic without you. She has a cool sports car, interesting hobbies, a cat - THEIR CAT- and she somehow got fucking hotter. The thought of how many girls Toni had brought into her new sports car, THEIR house. Shelby is angry. Shelby is angry because out of the eyes of her coworkers, Ken, and her family, Shelby had been a certifiable wreck. Who the heck did Toni think she was looking so…. Toni, SO good on a freaking Thursday afternoon. 

Shelby absolutely does not need this. She needed to get out, get married and get back to her real life. So she yanks off her sunglasses, spitting out, “ Well, for starters you can get your stubborn behind over here and give me a divorce.” Toni's face completely freezes, the grin slowly melting off her face as she recognizes who she’s talking to. 

“I’m serious Toni. The papers got messed up.” Shelby pulls out the papers from her purse. Our - It never got terminated. Just get over here and sign them. I’ve got a plane to catch.”

Toni having just regained control over her body again pauses. Is she going to cry? Yell? No amount of therapy sessions ever managed to completely quell that rage especially when the people she’s close to, the people she trusts, stoke it. 

She laughs. She actually laughs. “You're joking right?.” 

Shelby is even more pissed. Not even a visit from the ex can shake Toni out of her good mood and her perfect life. So she waves the papers as she walks to the porch and answers. “No. Believe it or not I have better things to do than fly half-way across the country for a joke. Look it even has idiot proof tabs to make it easy.” Shelby pulls out the papers and lays on the porch fence. “One copy for me, one copy for me, and one for the lawyers.” 

Toni still looks at her with amusement in her eyes. Shelby thinks she is ready for anything the brunette will have to dish out but she isn’t ready for this dorky grin and silence. Toni being silent? Did she start meditating or something? At least brood or something.

“What?!? Speak!!” Shelby demands. 

Toni has the balls to grin even wider as she walks dangerously close to Shelby. “You show up here after FOUR years without even so much as a Hi Toni! Remember me? Your domestic partner. They really should come up with a better name for that it doesn’t really roll off the tongue.” 

Shelby can smell the sawdust. Wrinkling her nose she huffs “Toni.” 

“Not even a…” Toni ignores the interruption putting on her impression of Shelby as she takes one step closer, “Hi Sweetie, You look good?”. 

Shelby crosses her arms trying her hardest to look stern. “You expect me to tell you you look good?” she retorts a little too quickly. “What? No one here to wash you laundry anymore?” She looks up and down Toni’s body, quickly realizing that probably wasn’t the best way to convince Toni she hadn’t been looking before. 

“So what? Is that supposed to be funny back where you live in the middle of nowhere Texas?” Toni crosses her arms to mirror Shelby's. 

Shelby breathes in through her nose desperate to say win this exchange whatever winning means in this scenario. “You know EXACTLY where I live. And don’t even pretend like you have missed me.” _SHIT. That just makes it seem like you want her to miss you._

“I don’t buy it,” Toni states, ignoring Shelby’s last fumbled retort completely. “I signed those papers years ago. What kind of game are you playing? Trying to get more money?”

Shelby’s shocked expression is accompanied with more yowling from the cat. “I’m not playing any game,” she bites. “We all got the same shit ton of money from the settlement. I -” The yowling grows too intense.

Shelby: “Shut up Kat”

Toni: “Shut up Callie”

Callie settles down on the porch, silent. Shelby looks Toni in confusion, realizing they did not say the same name. The anger in her heart immediately extinguished. “What happened to Kat?”

Toni does not meet Shelby’s eyes as she answers. “She died. You weren’t here.” She walks towards the front door. The news makes Shelby’s heart sink. She doesn’t want to think about it so she stiffens her voice to yell at Toni halfway through the door.

“What are you doing?” Shelby follows.

“Leaving” Toni shouts, equally as loud as she shuts the screen door in Shelby’s face. “You should recognize it since you’ve already done it.”

“UHhh” Shelby huffs rattling on the screen door. “Just sign the papers Toni. You’re only not doing it because I want you to.” 

Toni gives Shelby a death glare through the screen defending herself, “NO! I am only not doing it because you’re some stuck up, Texan pageant queen and I know that not signing it will piss you off.” She shuts the actual door leaving Shelby locked out. 

Shelby did have other options technically. She could get a judge to approve a one-sided end to their domestic partnership. It would take longer but it would get the job done. Ken didn’t have any problem postponing the wedding. _But then Toni wins._ Before Shelby first kissed Toni, that brunette used to do whatever she could to one up Shelby. 

_“You know who clings to religion? People who like to tell themselves a nice story about who they are because deep down they are hiding some pretty fucked up shit.”_

It pissed her off. This Toni, hotter _NO_ \- even more irritating Toni is pissing Shelby off. _Toni cannot win._ That’s how she rationalizes grabbing the spare key and entering their- Toni’s house. Shelby sneaks in hovering behind Toni who is grabbing a beer from the fridge. The sweet taste of victory really kicks in once she sees Toni do a spit take. 

“Next time you try to lock someone out, you should probably make sure they don’t know where the spare key is,” Shelby gloats. None of the Unsinkable 8 had never been good about putting the spare key back in place so Shelby had simply hidden her own one. 

“Well I could if my girl had ever told me where it was,” replies Toni wiping the beer from her face. 

“I’m not your girl, Toni.” Shelby states for herself more than anything else. I’m just… I’m just the first girl you met on The Island.” Ignoring the hint of hurt in Toni’s eyes she pulls out the papers from her purse for Toni to take. “But you are right. I’m back to who I have always been. That girl who lived here, I don’t even recognize her anymore.” 

Toni takes another swig of beer before she speaks. “Get out of my house.” She walks away, the sound of a slamming bedroom door and lock quickly follows. 

Shelby sits on the kitchen stool, leaning her head back as she pinches her nose. She plays a gospel song in her head to keep her from thinking too deeply. Toni could not stay in her room forever. One way or the other, Shelby would get these papers signed. Then she could get back to her real life. Back to who she really is. 


	4. Too Old for Parties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a little writers block and had a ton of work but my insomnia inspired me to finish this chapter.

_Shelby does not like parties. In high school Andrew had managed to drag her to a handful of functions but only to show her off like a trophy. Drunken stares from horny teenage boys (and some girls) just made Shelby feel like she was on stage again. Just making a mistake would cost her much more than a trophy or scholarship. Drinking, really really wasn’t an option. What if she stared too long at a pretty girl or let herself dance too closely to Becca? Her carefully built identity could only be kept up, protected with a sober mind._

_In college, she craves them. Not having to hide herself, surrounding herself with supportive healthy influences, she learns how to really enjoy herself. It also helps that Fatin and Dot throw the best parties. Mixing Fatin’s imagination and Dot’s work ethic created epic nights everyone looked forward to. Literally everyone. It started with freshman year get together at their house and somehow escalated to full-on ragers in mansions usually owned by some dude Fatin was fucking. With the end of the semester, their last fall semester, came another huge party._

_Shelby pregrames with the rest of the girls as she helps everyone with their makeup. It’s a routine they established early on. Everyone’s products are strewn across the kitchen counter. Shelby applies the finishing touches while the rest of the girls goof off in the living room. From well earned experience, she knows alcohol and applying makeup doesn’t mix. So she shares a joint with Toni, who really shouldn’t be smoking much considering she has already downed three shots of whiskey, as she starts on Nora’s eyeshadow. It helps her focus on the task at hand but still her in the right mood to joke around with her very drunk roommates._

_She’s just finishing off the eyeliner when Leah, who is strewn across the couch scrolling through her phone, scoffs abruptly enough to make the entire room freeze. Shelby shoots her an annoyed look as she goes to grab the makeup remover. Nora’s eyeshadow is not perfect._

_Nora smiles kindly to let Shelby know she doesn’t mind before gently asking “Leah, Is everything alright?”_

_“She’s pregnant.” Leah growls. The room grows quiet as everyone else shares confused glances. “Ian’s girlfriend. She just posted about how happy they are to announce the beginning of their perfect fucking family.” The mood in the room drops. Fatin is the first to break the silence swiping a bottle of vodka from the living room table before plopping on the couch beside Leah._

_“Fuck.” Fatin states taking a swig of the bottle before offering it to Leah who immediately accepts. “Well, you dodged a big bullet there Leah. Huge. Last thing you need is some man baby trapping you into some … SEXless, kid-riddled marriage.”_

_The rest join in supporting Fatin’s denouncement of family, scoffing at the idea of settling down with kids. Shelby can’t bring herself to join in. Martha is the only one who dares to speak against the consensus in the room, explaining she always wanted three kids and a house close to her mom on the res. Fatin admits scientifically speaking, her genes were too good to not pass on while Dot confesses her fantasy of having a Campbell Eco-Race team._

_Shelby focuses on finishing Nora’s makeup but manages to hear bits of Toni’s voice.Toni is absolutely wasted at this point so her words are slurred but adamant. Something about not understanding Marty, never wanting to go back to that hellhole. The only thing that it ever taught her was kids just weigh you down. Shelby clenches the eyeliner in her hand. Luckily she doesn’t need it anymore and Nora’s eye makeup looks even better than it did before._

_She shakes of the uneasy feeling in her stomach, joining in on the cheering as they all head towards the party. She doesn’t really think about it for the rest of the night until she comes out of the bathroom to pass Leah who is glued to her phone. It’s enough to make Shelby grab another drink. She’s just starting to sip a beer when she sees Toni laughing with some of their classmates across the room and the uneasy feeling in her stomach hits her again, stronger._

_“Everything alright?” Rachel asks, suddenly appearing beside Shelby._

_“Yeah” Shelby smiles. She’s unable to come up with anything else to back up her claim too surprised that Rachel even noticed her not so secretly forlorn looking at her partner._

_“Sure? Nora mentioned you seemed a little shaken earlier” Rachel explains. Shelby can’t help the sense of annoyance she feels towards her friend. Sometimes Nora is just too observant._

_She finishes her beer before answering, “ I just always imagined my life differently… than what Toni wants.”_

_Rachel leans in a little closer, “And that’s … bad?”_

_Shelby shrugs. “No. I don’t know...I just used to picture my life like that. Even knowing that I - Knowing that about myself. I always thought I could endure through it, get the life I wanted, the one planned for me. After what my parents did … I lost them, my old life. I didn’t think it would mean I would lose That life… but now...”_

_Rachel listens intently waiting for the right pause to chime in. “I used to kill myself diving. Figuratively and almost literally. No matter how much it destroyed me, I gave it everything I had. I thought it would all be worth it if I could just be the best. No pain no gain. It took me a while to finally figure out that it wasn’t worth it. None of it was._

_Shelby can’t help herself when she asks, “How did you do it?”_

_Rachel gives a pained smile. “ I still want it. It still hurts to think about even though I know it wasn’t good for me.… I just … try to stay focused on the things that are worth it. Like you guys. ” Shelby nods appreciating the rare expression of sentimentality from her friend._

_“Plus, it’s Toni,” Rachel adds. She feels this way now while wasted. Doesn't mean she will feel like that forever. She doesn’t really plan that far ahead. Did you see how many jello shots she took back there just because Mateo hinted that she might have to slow down?”_

_They both laugh._

_******_

The hallway is mostly empty. Shelby holds the pay phone impatiently tapping her fake nails on the receiver. 

“HeLLOOoo” Fatins voice speaks clearly stoned. “Who is this?” 

“It’s me,” Shelby replies. “Shelby. I- I’m in town. I-”

“Shit! It’s so late. You actually flew over here?” Fatin’s voice raises a whole octave. ”To get a divorce. Wait - you haven’t seen Toni have you?”

“SHIT” Dot’s voice in the background. “She’s in LA?.”

“Well it’s not a divorce...but - Yeah.. Uh I have, but she didn’t sign the papers so… I just need a place to stay tonight.” 

“So just ghost us for years and fly over here without notice expecting to stay with us?” Fatin rambles. Shelby pauses not knowing what to say. “Fine, but you have A LOT of explaining to do. I’ll just text you our address.” 

“Actually, I was sorta hoping Dottie could come get me.” Shelby quickly adds in. 

Fatin,”Why?”

Shelby grimaces knowing the shit she will have to take from them, “Toni put me in jail.” Somehow Toni has some friendly connections to the police (a fact that absolutely floored Shelby). Two female officers had hauled Shelby away for trespassing. Apparently a legal domestic partnership doesn’t give her the right to be on her partners property without permission. So it’s really not the same thing as marriage. They put her in a cell, mostly for show. Toni’s connections are good enough to make sure that Shelby does not get away with just a fine. 

Fatin and Dot both laugh for much longer than they need to. “HA!! Ok but we’re both stoned out of our minds so Leah will have to come get you.” 

Leah rolls up with her Subaru, a friendly greeting, and to Shelby’s relief no prying questions. 

The familial bond formed on the island makes all the girls close, but Leah and Shelby never hang out just the two of them much. Not because they didn’t get along. They did. As the only two “Just fucked up enough” (as Leah put it ) to realize something was wrong on the Island, they understood each other. Their interactions was something better done with moderation. 

Shelby hadn’t planned on meeting up with anyone in LA, the thought of seeing only Toni had been enough to make her take multiple nausea pills beforehand. She’s glad Leah keeps it light. They talk about their jobs. Of course Leah writes. She will finish her English doctorate and her 2nd novel by the end of the summer. Shelby rambles on about some of the PR projects she’s working on. They reach a lull in the conversation as Leah turns into a very expensive looking neighborhood. 

“This where y’all all decided to move? It’s nice.” Shelby looks around at the multi-million dollar houses. 

“Well Fatin and Dot a few months after graduation,” explains Leah. “Dot’s boyfriend Carter also lives here now. I just moved in last year. I- I sort of went AWOL for a bit. I met a poetry major...figures… Old habits die hard you know.” Leah makes eye contact with Shelby who quickly looks away. She clears her throat before changing the subject.“ Rachel and Nora for example… They moved in together in an apartment closer to downtown. Nora is seeing a veterinarian. Rachel is Rachel so she’s still in a monogamous relationship with the gym haha. I think she might be seeing a guy from there but we don’t really know. Martha stayed a while with To-.. she stayed until she got her masters but now she and Devon, you remember Devon right? live with her family back in Minnesota. They got married like three years ago… It wasn’t a fancy wedding or anything. You didn’t miss much…ummmm....uh... Cool! We’re here!” Leah sounds relieved parking in the driveway. She had not so glamorously managed to avoid the fatal landmines in their conversation.

“So she lives alone.” states Shelby masochistically poking at the one subject Leah had struggled to avoid. 

“Yeah. umm... After the settlement, we all knew we could afford a much better place, but...SHE wanted to stay close to the kids, the ones she used to work with. Most of them live around there. I guess she just liked the idea of being there for them… in case they needed a bed or a warm meal. At least that’s how she put it.”

Shelby took in the information quietly ignoring the flutter in her heart when she thinks of Toni taking care of kids. “She doesn’t work with social services anymore?”

Leah gapes. “Oh… yeah she uh… You know I do not know if I am allowed to share. I- Let’s just go inside. I am sure Dot and Fatin are less stoned by now...or at least conscious?” Shelby sighs in frustration as Leah dips out of the car as fast as she can. 

It is a huge house with really no ounce of coziness. Huge vaulted ceilings, a large mezzanine and more rooms than Shelby is willing to count. Dot and Fatin are in one of the smaller rooms in the basement. It’s carpeted, shabby compared to the rest of the house. Dot’s Den. The weed smell makes Shelby cough. 

“WELL look who finally showed up.” Dot shouts as she stands up from the couch. “It’s good to see you GOODKIND” Shelby has no time to protest before Dot is picking her up in one of her signature crushing bear hugs. 

“Awww Dottie NO,” Shelby tries to break her friend's grip on her but it only results in the Dot shaking her. “STOP IT!” Dot drops the blonde.

“You used to love shaky Shelby.” Dot whines still clearly not sober. 

“That’s because I was too out of it to notice. No more shaky Shelby. I don’t do that anymore,” Shelby asserts smoothing out her clothes. 

“Well then you’re going to miss out on our crazy party tomorrow night!” Fatin shouts, cutting the tension as she hugs Dot sideways while still managing to give Shelby an unwelcoming scowl. 

“I guess I hoped y’all have put your partying days behind you by now.” Shelby drawls, still feeling awkward around the girls.

“We’re 26, not dead,” says Fatin, obviously annoyed at the holier than thou attitude her blonde friend had chosen to put on. 

“I don’t need that stuff to have fun.” Shelby says in the way she has been trained to say since before she can remember. Her words seem to sober everyone up who exchange glances that make Shelby uncomfortable. She tries to ignore the way they all look at her like they are searching for the girl who once lived with them. Missing someone who doesn’t exist. 

Dot mumbles something about Shelby needing to get laid. Shelby is just irked enough to explain she has moved past such childish remarks but instantly regrets it when Dot takes the conversation in a much more serious direction. “We got the message a long time ago Shelby. You don’t need us. Fine.” 

Shelby has no words, just a shocked expression which seems to piss Fatin off even more. Dot takes a few puffs before responding to Shelby’s surprise. “You know, Toni isn’t the only one you left.” The silence is deafening. Shelby can't take it. 

Thankfully, Leah steps in to cut the tension. “Since you want to avoid all ummmm.. substances … I’ll just show you to your room. You must be tired from all the traveling and the uh… jail.” 

Shelby follows Leah back upstairs, not missing the way Dot and Fatin chuckle at the mention of her time locked up. She focuses on her annoyance. The fact they have chosen to laugh at her misery. The fact they haven’t seemed to change - grow up - at all. It’s easier than having to sort through whatever guilt Dot’s words stirred up. 

The guest room is modeled one of Fatin's favorite hotels in London or at least that's what Shelby thinks Leah says as they enter a massive suite decked out in apparently the best amenities England has to offer. Shelby has barely taken it all in when she notices Leah has made her escape.  Too emotionally exhausted to care, Shelby automatically starts her night routine. Her work requires her to travel a lot. During her 9 step skin care regimen she's tempted to draw a bubble bath in the massive clawfoot tub but opts for an early bed time instead. She hops into the massive California king, drowning herself in the thousand count sheets and down comforter, hoping to fall asleep before her thoughts start to process everything she had been trying to ignore that day. 

She can already tell sleep won't come that day. Scrolling through her media pages, she's tempted to do an internet search for Toni. The thought had crossed her mind many times the past four years, but she's too afraid of what she'll find. Just the possibility, one highly likely since it has been four years, of seeing Toni with a new girl is enough to make her a little nauseous. 

Instead , she falls into the rabbit hole of her Instagram feed. Ken posted a photo of them, one of her favorites. He’s behind her holding the camera to take a selfie as she leans back and kisses his cheek while face is scrunched up in feigned disgust. He misses his best friend it says. Shelby likes the photo then shoots her siblings a text in their group chat explaining she got tied up at work but would call them tomorrow. Their quick reply of excitement brings a smile to her face but also tells her they are staying up way too late especially with the time difference. It’s the last thought that crosses her mind before she falls asleep. 


	5. Good Breakfast, Bad Day

_Shelby wakes up to breakfast in bed. Toni walks in with a tray of food, omelets and avocado toast. It’s a first but not that utterly shocking. Usually Toni sleeps in as long as possible but it would totally be something Toni would do if she could wake up before girlfriend more often. It must be terribly early. Regularly an early riser but this morning Shelby’s alarm is set for even earlier because she has a flight to catch. Daylight has just barely started to peek through the blinds. Shelby smiles, brightly in gratitude, thanking Toni profusely who seems uncharacteristically cautious, something is on her mind. Once Shelby manages to get Toni to chuckle a bit she digs into her omelet. They eat mostly in silence, both being too tired for much else._

_Shelby can spend hours, days in peaceful silence with Toni. They lay in bed curled in to each other but she knows this isn’t one of those times. Toni has something to say, something significant given her hesitancy. Shelby knows Toni --- the upward curve in her right eyebrow, the slight curl of her lips means she’s about to say whatever it is that’s weighing on her. Toni starts to speak, her head nuzzled into Shelby’s shoulder. Toni does not like the idea of Shelby returning to her hometown for the first time in years alone, without someone there to back her up ideally someone who can aggressively deal back any shit they try to throw right back or at least someone supportive and not so obviously gay and angry like Martha._

_Shelby knows her decision to fly back had been quick, the phone call and her flight only three days apart, but her mom had pulled the ultimate trump card - her relationship with Melody and Spencer is on the line. She and Toni had already talked about the reasons in full detail last night. Something tells Shelby this isn’t the full issue. When she prods Toni rolls away from her and confesses more towards the ceiling than Shelby herself._

_“I can’t shake this bad feeling,” Toni’s voice starts to quake as she turns to meet Shelby’s concerned gaze. “I know the idea is ridiculous. It’s just... Something about this doesn’t feel right - and you never talk about your old life and -”_

_“Because there’s nothing to talk about,” Shelly interrupts leaning closer to Toni. “That girl was not really me. Just repressed, always striving to be perfect, and never enough for my parents. I am just going to sort whatever it is my mom needs me to sort out so I can still chat with Melody and Spencer on the weekends. Someday they’ll get out of Texas too, actually get to know the real me.”_

_“Your siblings know the real you, Shelbs,” Toni says softly. “Your sexuality doesn’t change that.”_

_Shelby’s eyes flicker away as she responds, “I know.” Toni stares back. Shelby realizes she’s not quite convinced and braces herself for advice on identity and the politics of sexuality, something Toni had taken a liking to since starting her gender studies minor. Her prediction isn’t exactly wrong but not correct either._

_“You’re not that different, you know,” Toni points out sitting up. “Here you have more freedom, an amAAzing girlfriend, more fun... it doesn’t mean your old self doesn’t exist.”_

_Shelby understands Toni’s point in a way. Sure, Shelby still sees herself as a Christian and tries to be a good one. She volunteers at local church events and keeps her leather bound bible, the one she got at her baptism, on her nightstand for readings in the morning. She still keeps her old hobbies because she likes them, going on quarterly hunting trips with Dot and the University shooting club and even taking spin classes at the school gym but that’s just good exercise. The actual point Toni is trying to make is not clear to Shelby so she asks Toni to clarify._

_“I guess…” Toni hesitates but continues. “ You never talk about it so it just seems like you avoid that stuff: your hometown, your family like it’s not a part of you, but it is. It’s ok to miss them. Your family. Your parents, not just your siblings.”_

_“You’re my family Toni”, Shelby replies almost too automatically but tries to make up for it by grasping Toni’s hands. “ I promise. Nothing is going to change. I’ll be back in a few days.” She means it._

_They drive to the airport singing to the radio and laughing with a lightheartedness they hadn’t had since Shelby’s mom called. It’s just the two of them since the rest of the Unsinkable Eight expect Shelby back by the end of the week. Shelby hugs Toni tightly, not wanting to let go because a few days is still a few days too long._

_******_

Bright and early In the morning Shelby is surprised to find Fatin and Dot awake. Even more surprising, they offer her a full breakfast spread they cooked together. The iciness Shelby felt last night seemingly melted away. Dot is the same with anyone really. Fatin though is guarded, no warmth in her smile or meaningful eye contact just a plastered grin when a joke comes to mind. 

This Fatin is just like the Fatin Shelby first met on the Island, but then Shelby had managed to whittle away Fatin’s defenses built mainly on wit and a don’t give a fuck attitude to meet one of fiercely loyal, best friends she ever had. In college, they bonded over their love of fashion and makeup, their mutual marketing major, and on a deeper level their complicated relationship with attention and the struggle of balancing the alienation of their over-controlling parents while trying to stay connected to the siblings they couldn’t stand the thought of losing.

Fatin hadn’t been as lucky as Shelby. Her little brothers, after years of pressures of family, religion, gender stereotypes, distance, had shut her out for her “unacceptable” behavior. Fatin responded by throwing away her phone and then using Dot’s to text everyone in their class to throw the party of the year. None of the girls had seen Fatin drink that much. Ever. 

Shelby desperately wanted to ease the heartbreak for her friend but she didn’t know how. She just watched, shadowing Fatin all night from the start where the cello player flirted with everyone she met on the dance floor to the end on the front porch where she drunkenly cried on Shelby’s shoulder. Shelby knows she left but it still stings, being relegated back to a stranger Fatin only directs dirty breakfast related jokes at before scrambling away as soon as she finishes eating. 

Well she hasn’t changed a bit,” Shelby drawls trying to lighten the mood. 

“We’ve all changed,” Dot responds bluntly, mostly focused on her bacon. “You just weren’t around to notice.” 

Shelby knows that’s just the way Dot talks but feels a little uncomfortable so she steers the conversation towards Dot’s construction company. She’s in the middle of listening to a long story about grout that she hadn’t really meant to get into when she realizes she still needs to get the rental car back from Toni’s so she can get to work which is all the way across town. Toni’s place is relatively close. Dot doesn’t want to drive her and “get caught in the crossfire.” 

She takes an Uber to work, calling Ken on the way. His cheerful mood is enough to help Shelby brush the bitterness she feels from interacting with Fatin. He really is her best friend. He updates her on her siblings. They had a pizza night and ended up eating way too much pepperoni. They banter and share small news about the day. Before she knows it, Shelby has arrived at her office. 

She says good-bye and hangs up while trading her slip on flats for some high heels. They want her on a large account they have with an evangelical church trying to break into the LA market. They do not expect to gain many followers in the area but have their eye set on a few with deep pockets. Shelby is brought in as the company’s expert on everything Christian. Most of the work is standard procedure and she ends up just updating some old reports and slides. Jessica, the lead on the project, wants a hard copy on her desk by the end of the day. Shelby is in the copy room leafing through the final draft when she sees someone she never thought she would have to see again, laughing with Jessica. It fills her with pure dread. 

After four years with Toni, Shelby hadn’t spent the subsequent four years abstinent. Never in a relationship, never in her hometown but she traveled for work and sometimes found herself at a discrete bar or club where no one would ask any questions. Now one of those women who wasn’t supposed to ask any questions, Kendra, was talking to Jessica, one of the very Christian, conservative heads of the national company. 

The encounter had happened a while back, before Shelby learned to calm her nerves and need to chatter about her life meaning this tall brunette had learned plenty of vague details about Shelby’s repression and former love life. Shelby walks up to the glass office, report in hand, holding her breath. Jessica greets Shelby cheerfully and introduces Kendra as the new team member to the project which makes the blond internally curse. To her credit, Kendra doesn’t give away anything, introducing herself with a polite smile (she has a really nice smile) and some small talk. 

She just moved here from New York, looking to avoid the cold winters and get a tan. As an expert on courting rich, liberal clients , she’s paired with Shelby to help put together a strategy that will help the church snag new clients in LA. Although many of their target clients are truly conservative, they need a pitch with a liberal spin to fit in with the values of the region. The only time Kendra seems phased at all is when she sees Shelby’s engagement ring and Jessica starts to gush about Shelby’s long-term, very male, fiancé. Ken really has a way with charming older women. 

At the end of the day, Shelby walks out of the office as soon as she can. She’s about to confirm her Uber to Toni’s place when Kendra pulls up and casually offers her a lift. Shelby tries her best to brush away the offer but Kendra doesn’t let up, hinting there’s more about the project she wants to talk about. 

The ride should be awkward but Kendra smooth talks her way through it until Shelby finally gives in and just asks her what she wants. 

Kendra relents, “So you’ve been engaged for a while?” Shelby knows what she’s really asking. Her engagement of over three years overlaps with their encounter. 

“We have an open arrangement.” Shelby explains, starting out the passenger window a little too long. “He knows. It’s not something we advertise or anything so I would appreciate your discretion.” Kendra nods but doesn’t seem that satisfied with the answer. 

“The first time we met, you seemed pretty broken up about someone,” She prods further. “Having to leave them. I’m guessing this whole Christian Beauty Queen persona doesn’t allow for the lesbian lifestyle?” Multiple lines of argument start in Shelby’s mind but she really does not have the energy but everything Kendra is saying is true and her interactions with the Unsinkable had really drained the fight out of her. 

“I like my life. My sexuality isn’t a big part of me.” Shelby admits. I really don’t think about it that much.” 

“I kind of understand. My ex, after two years, couldn’t commit to coming out even though she comes from a liberal family in New York. She just didn’t want her life to change. I moved here after her and her new husband sent out their baby announcement.” 

Shelby doesn’t understand why Kendra is sharing this. She wants to shut it down but can’t help herself when she asks, “ Do you hate her?” 

“No,” Kendra states confidently. “I just miss her.” They talk about their project. It isn’t awkward. Their short conversation establishes enough understanding for them to move past their first encounter. 

Toni’s outside in the front yard working on her bike in another one of those damn muscle tees. She’s so focused, she doesn’t even notice Kendra’s car pull up on the street. Shelby doesn’t make a move to get out, just staring. She visibly tenses when a long-legged blonde walks out of the garage, two lemonades in hand. Judging by the way she greets Toni with a hard kiss to the lips, she’s not just a friend. 

“Oh shit,” Kendra gasps, reading every emotion on Shelby’s face. “Are you…” 

“I’m just here to get my rental car,” Shelby huffs, reaching down to grab her purse. 

“Right, and your rental car is at the hot mechanics house because…” 

“Because she won’t give me a divorce,” Shelby bites out as she gets out of the car. Kendra seems shocked but highly amused as she pulls away. 

“Well look who’s back,” Toni’s “friend” spots her first. “Not coming to break and enter again are you?”. Shelby freezes realizing that the tall blonde is one of the cops who locked her up yesterday. Can this day get any worse?

Apparently, Toni has a detective girlfriend. Toni does seem shocked to see Shelby. She has the decency to not lay on the PDA once she realizes Shelby is there but she also doesn’t hesitate to rest her arm around her girlfriends waste as they banter about Shelby’s night in a jail cell. Shelby does her best to keep her tone light although she seriously wonders how any step in the process was actually legal. After what seems like forever, the detective who is wearing one of Toni’s favorite hoodies (not that Shelby really cares) plucks the lemonade glass out of Toni’s hand and excuses herself for her night shift, leaving Shelby and Toni both awkwardly staring at each other. 

“Didn’t expect to see you again,” Toni admits, she seems a hint of remorse in her voice. Shelby isn’t sure if it is for the jail sentence or for the tall blonde detective. 

“Well I need to get my rental car,” Shelby explains. Toni nods and looks towards the car at the front of the yard but Shelby continues before Toni can speak. “And for you to sign the papers.”

Shelby can see Toni’s composure crack, her shoulders tense and lips purse. Just as she thinks the volcano is going to burst Toni takes a deep breath and sighs. “I’m going to grab a drink, ” she states and walks inside. Shelby stands there frozen for a moment, shocked. She had geared herself up for a fight. Apparently, Toni is willing to work with her. Shelby takes a few moments to reorient herself before following Toni inside.


	6. Sure, Alcohol Will Solve All Your Problems

_They get off the Island a few weeks before the school year starts. They spend two of them on a press tour. None of them are psyched at the idea of going home to live with their parents who sent them to that hellhole. Plus, the extra income can come in handy for their plans to leave as soon as they all graduate high school._

_Shelby and Fatin are the best at speaking on camera. They’re always placed in the center, perfect to lead the conversation. The newsrooms seem to like Toni’s look and place her right next to Shelby most of the time. It can be kind of distracting. They actually practice sitting next to each other, trying to not look like a couple and the rest of the girls give them pointers._

_“Toni don’t stare at Shelby like that.”_

_“Shelby it’s ok to look at Toni sometimes.”_

_They get better. Thank God. Shelby’s family is always watching. They text her constantly, telling her how great she looks, how great her answer to that one question was as if it was another series of pageants. They feel guilty. Melody and Spencer think her buzzcut is actually kind of cool. They spend a few minutes running their hair over the spiky edges once she’s at home for the year. Actually, she stays with Dot. They hold regular group videochats and parties in their living room. Her parents don't fight her move. She doesn’t need much of an excuse other than her parents sent her to play a twister game of survivor. Melody and Spencer visit though. Her parents try anything to get back into Shelby’s good graces._

_They make Shelby and Dot watch every interview of the Unsinkable 8 with them with live commentary. Dot is better at making jokes but Shelby does her best. The last interview finishes and Dot goes to bed. Shelby tucks her siblings into the guest room she’s just about to leave when Melody stops her._

_“Shelby,” Melody asks. Shelby stops to look down at her sister. “Did you mean what you said in the interview that… On the island, you guys became a family…”_

_“Yes,” Shelby responds without hesitation. “We all became really close. We had to, to survive.”_

_“What does that make us then? Me and Spencer...What are we?” Melody asks so quietly Shelby has to strain to hear._

_“Family silly. Just because more members got added doesn’t mean you two are no longer the MVPs.” Shelby reassures both of her siblings, grasping each of their hands in her own._

_“You’re leaving with them though,” Spencer adds._

_“I’m going to college not leaving. Someday y’all will do that too.” Shelby explains stroking Spencer's forehead. “Look I promise, we’ll spend the school year spending as much time together as possible. I’ll visit as much as I can too in college. Y’all have nothing to worry about.” Shelby means it._

  
  


_*************_

  
  


Shelby settles on the living room couch. It’s the same one they had throughout college. She’s surprised at first but then again Toni had never been one to buy new things. “If it’s not broken, why replace it?” Toni would wear her sneakers until her feet poked out. Shelby would have to strategically throw out all her girlfriends threadbare clothes when she knew Toni would be away. 

The couch isn’t in bad shape. It offers comfort in a place that looks kind of foreign to her now. Shelby hadn’t paid much attention before when she barged in with her spare key. The decorations are fairly minimal, only a plant and photos of people in Toni’s life. All of the girls except Shelby are represented, multiple times. Shelby feels a sense of relief seeing that the detective and had not made the wall. Her heart jumps when she sees the fireplace. Toni had put in a fireplace after she left? Shelby can’t believe she hadn’t spotted it before. It’s massive plus the rest of the wall has wood logs lined up against it. It's exactly like the one they had always talked about getting. 

Toni comes in with a glass of whiskey at hand. Judging by the flush that’s starting to appear on her face, Toni had already downed a shot or two. 

“I don’t get it, Shelbs.” Toni starts, the buzz making her ex-girlfriend slip out a little too easily. “Why do you need my signature? It was done. Years ago.” 

“I told you,” Shelby answers. “The forms got messed up.” Toni looks skeptical but there’s no aggression in her bodily language as she continues to press the issue.

““How? I went over those forms thoroughly, trust me,” Toni leans in quite confident. Shelby doesn’t want to admit her mistake, skipping the line that said she no longer loved her partner.

“Well those forms can be complicated,” Shelby deflects. “Neither of us had Lawyers to help us out -”  
“I didn’t need a LAWYER,” Toni interjects adamantly. “I still don’t buy it though. Aren’t you already married? That wouldn’t go through if we were still legally partners.” Shelby’s chest feels like there’s a two ton rock on top. How does Toni know? She expected the news to throw the short brunette into a rampage, but instead she’s just slightly buzzed in front of her calmly waiting for Shelby to explain as if it’s something she has known for years. 

“H-how? How do you know?” Shelby asks, not able to hide her shock.

“I’m not stupid, Shelby,” Toni scoffs stepping back to cross her arms, drink still in hand with a serious expression on her face. But then she seems to lose a little confidence and takes a sip of her drink before continuing. “It’s not that hard to google an ex-girlfriend every once in a while especially after a little encouragement from some Bulleit Rhye.” Something tells Shelby it isn’t the full story but she doesn’t push it farther. 

“Why are you drinking?” Shelby asks thinking back. “I mean, you always preferred a a joint to relax in the evening.” It’s true. Alcohol would bring out the fun Toni but also the angry, sad, raging Toni. Getting high usually only brought out giggles and bad jokes. 

“Smoking just reminded me of…” Toni stops herself before she can finish her sentence. It’s just alcohol now” 

Shelby knows. One of their many traditions that turned into not so great habits, on the weekends, was just laying down in the backyard sharing a joint and watching the stars. Shelby can’t smoke without thinking about it. That’s why she stopped completely. She also quit drinking because drunk Shelby pined for Toni and her old life too much. 

“Well…” Shelby drawls pausing to reign in her emotions. “If you had cyberstalked me anytime recently, you would know that we haven’t gotten married yet.” Toni’s surprise leaves her silent for a few seconds. 

“So Mr. Texas Walker Ranger is willing to wait what...years…”Toni bites, the whiskey not enough to douse the edge in her voice. “Before having your 4.5 white children and white picket fence?”

“Toni,” Shelby pleads, sensing the conversation taking a heavy turn. “I just want to be happy. Can you just please sign the papers? I need to get back.” Shelby expects a fight anyway. The old Toni could have drawn this out but this Toni deflates at Shelby’s words, sitting down on the couch beside her. Toni finishes the whiskey and sets the glass down on the coffee table. The sight makes Shelby wish Toni would yell at her. 

“Fine,” Toni almost whispers. Shelby pauses, waiting for Toni to say more but then rummages through her purse when she realizes the brunette had nothing else to say. She pulls out the papers in a folder and her ink pen, the one she usually uses for business deals. Shelby can hear Toni chuckle at her as she lines up the papers and pen perpendicular to the end of the coffee table. The girls loved to poke fun at Shelby’s need to be perfect, keep everything tidy, and straight. 

“This is probably for the best,” Toni admits as she picks up the pen. “Selling this place soon. Wouldn’t want you to snag a cut of the profits.” It’s an attempt to add brevity to the situation. Both of them have more money than they could spend in their lifetime thanks to the settlement, especially Toni who has always chosen to live a more minimalist lifestyle. 

“Yeah... “ Shelby responds looking around the place ignoring the tinge of pain she feels at the thought of Toni selling their home. “Good thing you added in that fireplace. It really cozies up the place. Sure it will sell real quick.” Toni pauses and stops herself from signing just before the pen hits the paper. 

“You know,” Toni states looking at her watch in a grand motion. “I’ve got a party to get to.” She sets the pen down and stands up to grab her jacket from the coat rack.” 

“Toni,” Shelby almost yells, angry at the sudden switch. She stands in front of Toni. “You just said you would sign.”

“Yeah, well it’s kind of late and you’ve waited so long. What’s the difference between tonight and tomorrow?” Toni shrugs her shoulders looking at Shelby with an infuriatingly-cute, smug grin on her face. 

“TONI, you know… you’re too drunk to drive.” Shelby points out originally just to stop her from heading out the door but looking at the goofy smile on Toni’s face, she’s pretty sure she’s right.

“Fine,” Toni says, tossing her keys to Shelby. “You drive.” Shelby catches them on reflex but still argues with Toni about it as they walk outside. Why in the world would Shelby drive Toni to a party at Fatin and Dot’s? But then, Toni remembers Nora is a notary and Shelby feels stupid, remembering Fatin and Leah’s forged signature didn’t work out. Toni texts Nora to bring her stamp and pen to the party and Shelby hops into the driver's seat of Toni’s Camaro. 

It should feel strange, driving at night with a half-drunk Toni, but even after all these years Toni’s presence feels all too comfortable to Shelby. They drive past In-N-Out and Toni convinces Shelby to swing through the drive-thru and get her a double-double with fries. She refuses to admit it but watching Toni sway to the music like a complete dork while absolutely annihilating her food makes her heart flutter a little. 

After Toni finishes her food she stares at Shelby very blatantly. The last shots she took might be starting to kick in. Shelby does her best to not blush. 

“Stop that,” Shelby finally gives up. 

“It’s not my fault you got prettier,” Toni almost chuckles as her eyes wander across Shelby’s face. It’s an unexpected compliment from the usually guarded brunette. 

“Toni…”Shelby warns. “ I am four years older.” 

“What? And you are four years prettier. Is that so weird to say. I think you got prettier. I do.” Toni states. Shelby just smiles, not knowing what else to say. 

“And...you got prettier too, Toni” Toni mocks in her southern accent.” Shelby tenses her hands on the steering wheel. 

“I guess I do think that” Shelby admits. 

“I do? Say it back,” Toni fake whines.” 

“I think you got prettier too,” Shelby forces out, obviously embarrassed. They both laugh. 

They’re almost to the house when Shelby’s facetime ringtone goes off. She’s still driving so she ignores it but Toni snatches it up from the dashboard and unlocks it easily ( Shelby hadn’t changed her pin in four fucking years), answering with a loud drunken HELLO. The last shots had obviously kicked in even with the fast food. 

“TONI,” Shelby grasps half-heartedly for her phone but Toni just swings it out of reach. Shelby’s heart drops when she hears Spencer’s confused voice on the line. Shit. It’s only a few seconds maximum but Toni is rambling greetings and various ways to mispronounce Spencer. Spencer isn’t saying anything. Shelby can’t park the car fast enough. They are at the edge of Fatin and Dot’s massive yard. She snatches the phone from Toni who only laughs in response. 

“I’m sorry Spence. I was just driving.” Shelby explains guiltily like she just got caught dealing drugs or something. Spencer looks angry. 

“Who is she?” Spencer accuses more than asks, his angry eyes driving daggers into Shelby’s heart. Shelby knows he already knows the answer. 

“She’s no one!” Shelby quickly responds. “Look she’s just needed a ride and I offered because she obviously can’t do it for herself.”  
“You’re leaving us AGAIN for THEM!” Spencer shouts abruptly hanging up before Shelby can get another word. Shelby can’t think. She just tries to call him back again and again. He had immediately blocked her. She can’t figure out what to do. What will Melody think? What if he tells her dad? Fuck. FUCK. 

She is only able to breathe again when she sees Melody is calling her. She answers quickly, sputtering out an explanation as fast as possible. 

“Shelby,” Melody states calmly succeeding in getting her older sister to stop. “Spencer told me what happened. Just me. No one else. He seems ok now. We just need some time.” She pauses before hanging up leaving Shelby with a sick feeling in her stomach. It’s only then that she notices the vacant passenger seat and open door. _She’s no one!_ Shelby rests her head on the steering, losing herself to the guilt. The music of the party jolts her back to the present. This car smells too much like Toni. 

Shelby hadn’t had a proper drink in two years. Toni's dorky grin, Fatin’s cold greeting, Spencer’s look of pure betrayal… she knows she won’t be able to escape any of those things tonight. Fuck it. She locks the car and heads toward the party, intent on swiping the first bottle of vodka she sees. 


	7. Drinking Doesn't Make Her Feel Better

_Sometimes when Shelby has the house to herself, she does a deep clean. The girls had wanted to hire a maid. Despite Toni’s initial impression of Shelby, she did not grow up with a maid. She grew up with floors to wash, clothes to launder, and many dishes to scrub. She actually enjoys it. A simple task to complete. She’s vacuuming all of the floors, going through all of the girls rooms, having shared a camp for months boundaries were pretty loose in the Unsinkable 8 household. She’s annoyed when she finds Taki dust under the rug on their floor. Rather than clean it up Toni had just elected to cover it up. Typical._

_She can’t even see the floor through all the piles of clothes in Fatin’s room so she leaves it untouched. A sound from across the hall startles her. It’s Leah’s room. She is supposed to be in class. Shelby peaks in to see Leah wrapped like a burrito in bed. She sits on the edge beside her but doesn’t say anything._

_Leah and Shelby have a way of finding each other when they are at their lowest. It’s a strange thing to bond over. Shelby goes on runs with Rachel, giggles with Martha over RomComs, and sulks with Leah. She knows Leah is dealing with a lot right now. Unrequited love. It really sucks. Shelby grew up wanting to run her hands through Becca’s curls and kiss every freckle on her face. She knows._

_“Shelby,” Leah croaks out._

_“Yes?”_

_“Can you take me to get tacos?” Shelby smiles and nods. She reaches out to grasp both of Leah’s hands. She pulls Leah out of bed to the parking lot of their favorite taco truck and spends the afternoon in the sun. Shelby knows Leah will find her way through the dark place and she will be waiting for her as long as it takes._

*********

Toni had a good thirty minute head start on Shelby at the party but when they run into each other at the party, Shelby is clearly much more wasted. Shelby has a half-empty bottle of vodka loosely hanging from her hands, so much so that Toni has to just take away thinking it will shatter across the marble floor. Yes, Fatin and Dot’s house has a giant, over-the-top marble ballroom. Spending their college years partying in rich, white boy mansions had turned them into absolute party snobs. The DJ is amazing and there’s plenty of drinks and food. The old Shelby would've loved it. The old Shelby would also be able to stand closer to Toni and kiss her whenever she wanted which is exactly what the current Shelby is trying to not think about as she drunkenly watches Toni usher her away from the dance floor. This is why Shelby does not drink. 

“You’re so fucking trashed,” Toni states sounding more worried than angry as Shelby stumbles into the brunette for support. Toni wraps her arm around Shelby’s waist, basically carries Shelby to the basement, Dot’s weed room. She had always been the one to carry Shelby home after a night of partying too hard. It tugs at Shelby’s heart - how easy this is. Even when she’s drinking as much vodka as possible to drown Toni from her mind, she’s still Shelby’s safe place. 

Shelby definitely overdid it on the alcohol. Time seems to skip. She’s fully engrossed at the feeling of being this close to Toni. Suddenly, her head is resting in a plushy leather reclining chair. Toni has her drink multiple glasses of water and then disappears. Shelby thinks she must be going back to rejoin the party. She can’t really feel her legs so her attempts to get up and follow are futile. Then, Toni is back with a plateful of food. Toni feeds Shelby sweet and sour meatballs and some slices of just white bread until she seems satisfied the blonde has enough in her stomach to soak up the alcohol. 

Shelby is full and sleepy. She wanders in and out of consciousness , but she knows Toni is still there. She listens to Toni playing what must be a solo game of pool. Then she hears familiar laughter.

“Toni,” Rachel chirps, the alcohol making her more friendly than usual. “Party’s over. Where have you been? I thought we were going to arm wrestle.” 

“Ran into a situation...,” Toni explains as she takes another shot. 

“Shelby came?” Fatin’s voice rings out. “Thought she wasn’t into substances.” 

“Well she drank all the vodka at the party so I guess she changed her mind.” Toni laughs, setting the pool stick down as she joins the rest of the girls on the ouch opposite of the chair Shelby is now pretending to sleep in. 

“She actually came all the way here and but never wanted to meet up. Like we don’t mean anything to her,” Rachel laments. 

Leah is also there, her head rests in Fatin’s lap. They’ve seemed to reach a lull in the conversation after Leah went off on a literary tangent. The smell tells Shelby they lit a joint. 

“Pass,” Toni says. 

“Dude, still?” Fatin says, clearly annoyed. “ I mean she’s right there, can’t really be high and still miss her at this point.” 

“Fuck Off,” Toni says without much bite to it, 

“Fair,” Fatin accepts. “But let me just say since I’m already being a bitch, this is why Tatiana broke up with you.” They all berate Fatin for being up what obviously is a sore subject. 

“Seriously though,” Fatin continues. “You had a gorgeous, thoughtful, openly lesbian women, who loved you and you loved her and you just let her go.” The rest of the girls are silent in agreement. Shelby's heart thumps loudly in her chest. 

“I wasn’t ready for marriage.” Toni responds, half-heartedly. 

“You wanted it before,” Fatin quickly points out leaving a silence in the room. Shelby hopes they aren’t all staring at her. She can’t bring herself to crack her eyes even a little open. 

“Maybe because that was before her heart got put through a meat grinder,” Leah jokes. The bookworm had a knack for making jokes that never really hit. Luckily she is saved by Fatin. 

“You just give up things for her, Toni. All the time. Your professional basketball career. I know it worked out and you love what you do but STILL. You let that contract deal to play with the Minnesota Lynx go because you were waiting for her to come back from her just-a-few-days trip to bumfuck Texas.” 

“I know Fatin is being a little harsh, right now Toni,” Rachel interjects. “But it is true. We all brought a lot of girls for you to meet and you spent all of it taking care of your ex. You have to do something for yourself. You haven’t even gone on that trip. The one you spent all of college planning.” Shelby knows what Rachel is talking about. They knew the settlement would be huge. She and Toni spent endless nights searching for the best spots to go to. They wanted their Eat, Pray, Love moment, together. Shelby had put that all on hold when she had chosen to not come back. It is too much news for Shelby to process. Toni was in love with someone else? She gave up her dream of being a professional basketball player? All for Shelby who broke her promise and never came back. 

“Look this is the last thing I want to say I promise, Fatin says pretty loudly. “Toni , you need to let yourself be happy. Actually happy, not just fucking a hotter, taller Friends with Benefits Detective Shelby happy.”

“I’m putting the house up for sale,” says Toni. “Going on that trip. All my cases are wrapping up and I am not taking on any new ones so I will have some time.” The girls do not have much time to respond before they are interrupted with a loud and whooping Dot. Shelby takes the loud interjection as an opportunity to start visibly waking up. Dot comes down the stairs carrying a six-pack or beer and a bottle of rum, a tall, muscular bearded man and Nora following her.

“Guess who I found crawling out of one of the guest bedrooms with one of Leah’s grad school friends!” Dot cheers making googly eyes at Nora. 

“Guess she got over her break-up with the veterinarian,” Leah comments.

“Yeah…” Nora admits. “He was just too nice. Like all the time...sometimes that’s not enough. Sometime I need...” 

“To fuck the hot girl from Leah’s British Lit Seminar!”, Dot cackles, drunk from the alcohol or sleeplessness or both. They all whoop at Nora who welcomes it. Shelby can tell the curly-haired girl opened up a lot more. Nora makes eye contact with Shelby.

“Hi Shelby. Long time no see,” Nora genuinely smiles. It’s that simple with Nora. It had always been simple with Nora. They studied together and watched nature documentaries. Nora was always down to try whatever baking recipe Shelby had found online and Shelby would wake up early to read with Nora on the front porch. 

Shelby smiles as she greets Nora back. Dot’s boyfriend is shocked to see the girl he had only heard about when the girls were drunk enough to admit they missed her. The girls themselves didn’t know what to say. Their expectant eyes were a little too much for Shelby. She swiped a beer for Dot’s arms and downed it. Still buzzed from the vodka before, the beer was enough to get her fully drunk again. 

The girls seem to understand Shelby just needs to be drunk without being probed. Shelby starts to feel the emotions she had been drowning out with the vodka. Rachel is wrong. She misses them. So much. All of them. She just watches them. Fatin’s so free here joking around as usual but also freely showing her affection for the girls, stroking Leah’s hair, resting her arm around Toni, openly telling them about her crush (Fatin has a crush?) on some guy she met in her pilates class. Rachel’s laugh is full and hearty. She doesn’t even seem that upset when Toni wins the arm wrestling contest but Fatin does who slides Dot a fifty afterwards. They all dance so freely. They’re all just so comfortable around each other and Shelby is there drinking as much as she can to stop herself from thinking about it. She can’t think about it. Because then, she’ll want to stay. 

It must be 3:00am in Los Angeles which means it is very very early in Texas but Shelby’s phone is ringing. Ken is facetiming her. She answers it and is too drunk to notice the girls' eyes on her. He says the florist won’t be able to orchids for the wedding so they will have to settle for tulips. Shelby could literally not give a flying fuck. He does this sometimes, a lot. Call to talk about such insignificant stuff, but soon he realizes she’s drunk and starts to go all mom mode on her. What is she doing? Why is she drunk? Where is she? Shelby rambles but tells him everything is ok, everything is under control. He doesn’t buy it, not even a little bit. He just smiles and tells her he can’t wait for her to come home. She says you too and hangs up realizing that the whole room is staring at her besides Toni who apparently thinks the seat cushion next to her is the most interesting thing in the world. 

“So you’re getting married to man. That’s why you hightailed it over here to get a divorce. Romantic...” Fatin deadpans almost like it’s a joke but no one is laughing. Shelby is tired of Fatin’s attitude. Yes, she was like that with everyone but the cello player had been tearing Shelby apart all night, gossiping about her, telling Toni to forget about her (maybe it was good advice but it still didn’t feel good). 

“Like you would know anything about romance,” Shelby snarls, the slur in her voice cutting the edge out of her words. “Just because I grew up and don’t party all the time and fuck whoever I want, doesn’t mean your life is somehow better than mine.” 

“Shelby, you really need to just lay off the alcohol” Toni cuts in trying to stop the situation from escalating.

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you,” Shelby yells not quite sure where all this anger is coming from. “You wouldn’t sign the damn papers yesterday. Instead you sent me to jail and now you make me come to this party to be humiliated in front of all your friends.” Toni just stares at her with a stern expression on her face. 

“We’re your friends too, you know” Rachel says obviously hurt. 

“Apparently not,” says Fatin. “Nora brought her stamp and shit so you can get your divorce and get out. Back living your perfect life, enjoying your perfect romance in Texas.” 

“What is a romance in Texas without repressed gay thoughts.” Leah quips with a light smile trying to make a joke but once again missing the mark horribly. No one laughs but it infuriates Shelby. She knows how to get back at her. 

“You would know,” Shelby snaps. “The first time, it’s always someone close to you.” Leah’s face drops and she’s walking towards Shelby. 

“Shelby,” Leah warns, but nothing could stop Shelby now. She has vodka and beers in her veins and a terrible ache in her heart she’s trying to shove back down. Maybe being cruel is the trick. 

“Remember that year after Ian and before the next literature major? When Leah was just this hermit, head-over-heels for some guy?”

“Shelby,” Leah repeats more urgently. 

“Well,” Shelby drawls. “It wasn’t some guy… and it wasn’t just somebody...” Shelby’s eyes land on Fatin, who like everyone has a very confused expression on their face. Leah has nothing but pure panic as Fatin puts the pieces together. 

“Uhh..” Fatin is speechless for the first time. Everyone else realizes soon after looking at Leah who is already halfway up the stairs. Shelby is about to follow her because FUCK she knows she messed up, but Fatin brushes past her angrily to follow Leah instead. Shelby looks towards a bottle of rum for a second. 

“You’ve had enough,” Dot asserts standing between the bottle and Shelby. ‘I think it’s time we all just call it a night.” As if on cue, Shelby feels the alcohol coming back to bite her. She runs towards the bathroom to vomit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the original movies, Melanie outs her friend from her hometown which is just not right. This way, the drama still happens but it makes more sense in a Los Angeles context.


	8. Grown-Ass Adult Breakfast

_“I need you to take care of them because I won’t be able to.”_

_Shelby takes a long moment to process all of the information her mother just threw at her. They sit at a cafe across town, far away enough from the house so Mr.Goodkind won’t run across them. It’s lunch time so the place is packed. Loud chatter, clanking dishes, Shelby can’t hear any of this over the ringing in her ears. She doesn’t understand how she got here._

_“He doesn’t know you are here yet,” Shelby’s mom had explained when she picked her daughter up from the airport. Toni had been right. Shelby should have known something was up the moment her mom had called. Blackmailing her into flying all the way over instead of just telling her. Forcing small talk the whole way to the cafe instead of just telling her whatever it was right out. Her mother is not as manipulative or two-faced as her husband, but she had her ways and she used them to get Shelby to come back to the last place she wanted to be. All to tell her she is dying._

_Diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, Mrs. Goodkind is forgoing all treatment and accepting her prognosis. Four weeks left to live. None of this makes sense to Shelby. Her mother was healthy the last time she saw her. Granted it was a glimpse of the woman as she walked through the background of Melody’s room during their facetime, but still...the Goodkinds live an exceptionally healthy lifestyle, exercising, never drinking and definitely not smoking. Beth Goodkind is a healthy 42 year-old woman. One day she gets a cough. Three days later, the pain is so bad, she has to go to the hospital. Now, a week after that she’s preparing to die. It does not make sense._

_Shelby doesn’t have time to process that before her mother is asking Shelby to stay. Take care of Melody and Spencer. They need her. Shelby can come up with a thousand reasons why that’s not true. She’s their sister not their mother. They still have a father and their entire church community. Why does the fate of their entire lives rest on the back of an almost 22-year-old who is just about to graduate college? She can’t just leave to come back here. She has her life, her friends, Toni. She’s not going to._

_Mrs.Goodkind reads Shelby’s face, knowing exactly what to say._

_“I am sorry, honey. I know, but this ...this is what family does. We take care of each other.” Her mother leans in and grasps Shelby’s hand. “ I know you like those friends from back in LA, but we Your daddy, Spencer, and Melody, we're your family. And they are going to need you.” It isn’t enough. Shelby’s mother knows it. She convinces Shelby to come over for dinner. Her father will be preaching a late night sermon that evening._

_Her mother looks frail. Cancer does that to you but something in her eyes tells Shelby the tiredness runs deep through her bones. Melody and Spencer hug Shelby for minutes straight. It’s both heartwarming and heartbreaking. She wants to wipe their eyes, feed their skinny frames, and tell them everything is going to be ago. She hugs them tighter. She doesn’t want to let go._

_Dave Goodkind opted to not tell his children their mother forgone treatment. Instead, he tells them to pray day and night for her recovery. Shelby can tell Melody knows. Her little sister has never been that naive. She’s too curious, always reading and asking questions. Spencer has always taken things at face value. He spends the whole night warily looking at his mother and fitting in extra prayers._

_Shelby cooks because the drive obviously took a lot of her mother. She has her siblings cut up the vegetables. She makes them tell her about school and manages to get a few laughs out of them. Just because she knows her Daddy won’t be back until late, she bakes a cake from a mix she grabbed at the grocery store. Her mother doesn’t really eat and falls asleep ten minutes into Frozen. She only wakes up when Shelby stirs awake to get to bed. Melody and Spencer had already been tucked in. Her mother’s still half asleep when Shelby literally carries her to bed, but the older woman grabs Shelby’s arm before her daughter can leave the room._

_“Melody’s going to high school soon,” She whispers so Shelby has to lean in to hear. “You remember what that was like? I did my best to make it easier. I swear. I did my best to protect you...I know it didn’t always work... I pushed you to do those pageants, but you got to college wherever you liked. I won’t be there to help them. Spencer and Melody can’t just grow up with just your Daddy, Shelby. Please… I don’t want to leave them alone.”_

_It gets to Shelby. She doesn’t know how she’s going to make it work, but she has to try. She can make it work. She calls Toni that night, telling her she’s going to have to stay for a few more days._

  
  


***** 

Shelby wakes up feeling like she got hit by her daddy’s pickup truck, the extra large one with the bible verse on the side, the only one large enough to carry the Christmas choir group around come carolling singing. Not drinking for years to avoid feelings of her ex and then downing all the vodka she could get her hands on while in the presence of that sed ex was probably the second worst decision she had made in a while. The first being coming to Los Angeles in the first place. Well she also outed Leah last night and revealed to her whole group her unrequited love for Fatin so scratch that. Drinking was the third worst decision she had made in the past 48 hours. _When did I become such a bad person?_

Her watch tells her it’s 9:00am. She can stand to sleep a few more hours. She turns over to fall back asleep when she realizes she’s not in Fatin’s guest room. She’s in her room. No. Toni’s room. Her and Toni’s old room that is now just Toni’s room or probably Toni’s guest room. It’s basically the same, just missing some of Shelby's old things. 

Apparently, this is still Toni’s room. Shelby freezes noticing that Toni is sleeping right next to her. _What?_ Shelby assesses herself. She’s wearing a full set of pajamas. She remembers vaguely putting them on. After Shelby vomited the entire contents of her stomach, Toni dragged her away from Fatin and Leahs because there was no way she was a welcome guest at that point and gave Shelby these pajamas, patterned with dogs, to wear. How did she end up in Toni’s room? Nothing happened. There’s no way Shelby was trashed and Toni hates her guts. Toni probably just wanted to keep an eye on everything. She’s sweet like that even if you’re the ex who left with no explanation. 

Shelby watches Toni sleep, looking at the subtle differences in her facial features, the familiar pattern of her breath. God Shelby has missed this. She tries her best to keep the guilt at bay but there are huge cracks in the emotional dam she builds to keep herself in life. Really gaping holes now. It’s so much easier to keep it together when the girls aren’t around. She cut off all ties not because she wanted to but because she had to.

Toni’s eyes flicker open like she knows she’s being watched. Making eye contact with

Shelby, she smiles. For a soft moment they just rest there looking at each other, peacefully. Suddenly, Toni’s brows furrow and she sits up, holding the comforter to her chest. She’s definitely not wearing a shirt. 

“WHAT THE FUCK,” Toni yells panicked. Shelby jumps out of the bed completely shocked. 

What??? Wh- WHAT?” Shelby yells back, stepping father away from the bed. 

“Why are you here???” Toni hasn’t blinked. 

“What? You dragged me here. I couldn’t stay at Fat-” Shelby sputters out quickly.

“No.” Toni clarifies, starting to regain a little bit of her calm. “Why are you HERE in my BED?” 

“You didn’t like putting me here to watch over me? Give me these pajamas” Shelby asks completely confused.

“I gave you those pajamas,” Toni confirms. “ And THEN, I left you in Nora’s old room, the guest room. The place where the guests sleep. How did you end up here in MY BED?” Shelby’s mind is both completely blank and internally screaming. She cannot remember. She cannot remember. She cannot remember. 

Has she ever been more embarrassed than now??? In this moment, standing in her old room which is now her ex’s room in front of that said ex who is obviously naked since Toni really likes to sleep naked which is the only thing Shelby now remembers - a useless fact to remember while Toni stares at her waiting impatiently for an answer - Shelby thinks she has never been more embarrassed. 

“Ummm….” Shelby says. She really can’t think of anything else, but then thank GOD she remembers. “Umm…. ummm..Well I had to PEE. So yeah I went to pee you know sinceidrankallthevokda and then I went back to bed! Yes! And I thought it was the same bed but I guess it was our - YOUR bed…” She remembers it quite clearly now and it’s still so fucking embarrassing. Toni sits there, expression unchanged. She’s not a morning person and that still hasn’t changed. 

“Well…,” Toni starts shaking off the morning grog. “You can leave now….You know, take a shower. I can smell the alcohol from here.” Shelby practically runs out of the room. She takes a long hot shower, wishing she could wash away the past 48 hours. She had actually just crawled into Toni’s bed on reflex. She might as well throw up a sign and say Hey I am still in love with you. _NO. Don’t go there._

Shelby finds her clothes in the guest room and puts them on. Her suitcase is still in her rental car. The first night in jail, the second a drunken mess - She has been wearing the same clothes for the past two, now three days but she can’t bring herself to care. Stepping out into the living room to find her keys, she is surprised to find another impressive breakfast spread in the kitchen. Pancakes, bacon, fruit, and fried eggs. It’s not as intense as the one at Dot’s house but it still makes Shelby’s mouth water a little. She sees her purse on the counter and is ready to bounce but Toni is right across from her chowing down. Toni makes eye contact with Shelby and gestures to the plate of food next to the purse. 

“You’re feeding me” Shelby states like a question as she approaches the counter. 

“Yeah,” Toni answers, not understanding why Shelby has to answer the question. 

“But I was so….mean.” Shelby says not so eloquently. Toni furrows her eyebrows in exasperation.

“You’re still a guest.” Toni explains. “I’m still going to feed you. I’m not a heathen.” Shelby grins and not just because Toni says all of this with her mouth full. It’s delicious. Toni’s cooking skills have improved. In college, her breakfasts was whatever amount of cereal she could shove in her mouth while she ran to get to class. 

“Thanks for going all out. It’s really good.” Shelby compliments. Toni shrugs. 

“This is just.. breakfast. I’m a grown-ass adult, I can make myself a good breakfast on a Saturday morning.. Well more like afternoon but still.” They eat in general silence. It’s nice. Like the moment they had shared this morning before Toni started yelling. Toni also ends this moment. She pulls out the papers from under the counter and sets it in front of Shelby, who has just finished her food.

“Signed and notarized,” Toni states, grabbing both of their dirty dishes. “Nora figured it would just be easier to get it done last night. You were puking at the time.” Toni laughs the last part out with no cruelty in her voice. Shelby had it. The papers she had desperately needed enough to risk coming back here and uprooting all the progress she had made back in Texas were signed. She can go home. Why doesn’t it feel good? Toni seems to read her mind. 

“Leah’s alright,” Toni says. “She and Fatin hashed it out. Fatin was flattered her winning personality managed to catch another heart but you know, they’re best friends and they’re going to stay that way. Past feelings aside.” Shelby’s heart lightens a little. 

“I still feel so bad. I messed it up.” Shelby admits not sure that she’s just talking about revealing Leah’s secret to everyone. Toni leans forward putting her elbows on the counter. 

“ I can’t tell you what to do, Shelby,” Toni says softly. “I can say that Leah and the rest of the gang are going to be at the University farmers market later. Yes the one you used to always want to drag us to.” The girls had usually been too hung over to get out of bed. “They have some pretty good deals. I have to go handle a work thing but I am meeting up with them after. I know they get there at 11:00am by the clock tower.” Shelby thanks Toni and reaches for her purse sliding the papers in. Her grin drops. Toni notices waiting for Shelby to speak. 

“Why are you being nice to me?” Shelby asks. Toni understands the question. Shelby is asking why she isn't angry, upset, going apeshit. 

“Therapy,” Toni states. “Real therapy. I have been going ever since we got off the Island. More often since you left. I’m still me. Still angry and fucked up but it helped me realize being angry wasn’t going to erase all the shit that happened or bring you back so… I try not to be as angry.” 

“Ok,” Shelby says, not sure what else to say. _Therapy._

Shelby sits in her rental car with a fresh change of clothes on watching the clock tick down to 11. She always does this. Gets places way too early and ends up overthinking the entire event in her head before it even starts. She thought sending the papers to her lawyers in the post office would kill more time but there hadn't even been a line. Rebooking her flight for tomorrow afternoon was also pretty easy. She's been sitting here for thirty minutes, with nothing but her nerves. Calm down. It will be simple. She just has to walk up to her and apologize. As soon as it’s 11:00am, she heads towards the clock tower. She spots Leah at a scented candle stand with Dot and Fatin close by looking at gemstones. She takes a few deep breaths, ready to make her way over. Before she reaches them, a familiar voice calls out her name. 

“Shelby!” She turns to her left to see Ken. Flown all the way from Texas? Her heart completely drops when sees Toni leading him to her. 


	9. Heart Like a Kickdrum

_“I just have to stay here for a while.” Shelby explains whispers holding her phone close._

_“I’m starting to worry you’re not coming back.” Toni replies. It’s supposed to come up as a joke but the amusement is missing from her voice. “I haven’t heard from you in over a week Shelbs. What’s going on?”_

_“Everything is just a lot more complicated than I thought. I’m sorry,” My dad’s watching me like a hawk. It’s a miracle I got the chance to call at all. I just need more time. I promise. I will be back when I can. There’s just a lot to sort out.”_

_“Ok...I trust you. I also miss you so hurry up,” Toni laughs. Shelby wants to laugh with her but she hears footsteps coming her way._

_“Got to go." Shelby panics. She doesn't know why she says it. It's just like part of her knows it's her last chance. I love you” Shelby hangs up just as her father walks in._

_“Who were you talking to Shelbs?” Her father asks. The nickname sounds so wrong on his tongue. She ignores the accusatory tone in his voice and smooths out her black dress._

_“Just arranging some stuff with my roommates to get shipped over. It wasn’t that important. I’ll take care of it later”_

_“Hmmm…”Dave Goodkind nods. “Now...Which one was it?”_

_“Dottie.” Shelby answers a little too quickly. “She also offers her condolences”_

_“Hmmmm... Well she was always a sweet girl. She would know with what happened to her Daddy a while back. Make sure to tell me … “ Shelby’s father walks a little closer. She has to stop herself from stepping back. “....next time she calls. I would love to hear from her.” Shelby’s father doesn’t break eye contact for a while. “Now come on.” He extends her hand out and Shelby takes it. “ Let’s get going. It would look pretty bad to be late to your mama's funeral.”_

  
  


******

Shelby's heart beats fast. She can practically feel the headache she will have later. Now she has to put on a brave face. Toni and Ken are approaching her, casually walking together as if it’s completely normal. As if it’s completely normal for her female, ex-girlfriend, ex partner, love of her ex self’s life to be hanging out with her current self’s fiance. Toni doesn’t even seem a little angry. She seems cheerful as she stands in front of Shelby, gesturing to Ken and joking about how they bumped into each other at her office. Ken explains the story in his normal long-winded. Knowing next to nothing about Shelby’s location, he googled Toni and found her right as she was leaving the office to meet everyone at the farmers market. She smiles and nods at all the right times, but doesn’t really process much. Leah, Fatin, and Dot join them and the twins arrive just as he finishes their story. Shelby focuses on introducing everyone sticking to just names but her nervous energy gets the best of her and she ends up introducing Fatin twice and Toni again.

“Oh I know Toni,” Ken smiles. “Since I took an Uber over to her office. She offered me a ride and we bonded on the car ride over. We actually have some stuff in common.” Toni manages to let out a chuckle that would be convincing to anyone who doesn’t know her. Only Ken misses the sarcastic lilt in the short brunette’s voice. 

“Yeah” Toni agrees. “We both like sunny days and... the beach…. Plus… You and I, we’re both in love with the same woman.” Shelby's face drops unable to hide her discomfort as she watches Toni and her fiance laugh over what should be an obvious conflict of interest. The rest of the girls force out a chuckle and Shelby is about to join in hoping to skip over whatever admission Toni just slipped when Toni explains. “Cate Blanchett… She’s the only reason either of us sat through Lord of the Rings.” Ken is the only one who laughs at all. The tension in Shelby’s stomach only seems to wind itself tighter. 

She should be relieved Ken doesn’t actually know or seem to care about her very real relationship with Toni, but the guilt of hiding something so serious from the person she plans on spending the rest of her life with just doubles. The fact that Toni can just so easily joke about being in love in front of her also makes her feel some type of way but she doesn’t have time to delve into that. 

“How did you know Shelby would be with Toni?” Fatin asks not bothering to hide her intense curiosity. 

“Oh well I knew that Shelby came over to sort some paperwork out with her. Lucky for us, Toni could just do all the work herself since she’s a big fancy lawyer. That’s a nice office you got there.” 

“What?” Shelby is surprised. “When did you go to law school?”  
“After you left,” Toni replies without missing a beat. Ken seems to notice the tension and unfortunately for Shelby, he reveals too much when he tries to fill in silences. 

“Darn, I didn’t realize we pulled you away from your friends so much Shelby. Melody and Spencer can be a handful. Shelby has done her best to fill in after their mom died but I guess that just means some relationships had to get put on the backburner. I’m sorry y’all. Probably feels like we stole Shelby away in Texas. Tell you what, y’all are all coming to the wedding right? I’m sure you got your invitations, but we’ll fly you out and put you up in the fanciest hotel Fort Travis has to offer. It’s coming up - just two weeks.” 

Shelby is mortified. She never told them about her mother nor did she invite them to the wedding. She scans the girls' faces, fearing their reactions, but they all seem pretty unphased. 

“Come one.” Ken urges. “I insist. After what y’all went through on the Island. You’re family right?” Shelby really needs Ken to shut up. She never really minded this southern boy hospitality thing in Texas but fuck he really needs to learn how to read her silent signals better. It’s not like there’s a universal signal for no don’t invite the love of my life and the rest of the family I abandoned to keep my straight persona intact so I could protect my siblings from my psychopath pastor father, but still. Read the room Ken. Read the room. 

“That’s pretty sudden,” Ton starts to reject the offer. “I -” Fatin interrupts before Toni can’t get another word in. 

“What the hell? You’re right. We’re family. Why wouldn’t we come to our best friends - no practically our sister’s wedding? Count us all in,” Fatin smirks at Shelby. Shelby sort of wishes therapy hadn’t taught Toni to control her emotions so well in this moment. It would be a lot nice for Toni to go apeshit so she doesn’t have to go through the whole afternoon pretending to look at fresh produce and handmade goods while actually just panicking about how much Ken will find out. 

Before she left, Shelby sort of convinced Ken that Toni and her just had a friends with benefits scenario. It wasn’t her best moment, but she could tell it made her fiance feel better about her leaving to get the paperwork done. He’s definitely not aromantic, always showering Shelby with little gifts and date nights. She never wanted it to get this messy, but she watches him wandering around a very disgruntled Toni and a mischievous looking Fatin and she just feels like it’s all a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. It doesn’t. At least not at the farmers market and Shelby has a flight in five hours but they don’t know that so she makes a show at looking at her watch and tells the girls she needs to head to the airport. 

“Oh I pushed back your flight a few days,” Ken responds. Shelby looks at him, mouth gaping. “I just figured, I’ve never been to California before, you could show me around. Plus you’ll get to spend more time with your girls. Also, Melody and Spencer were worried that you didn’t come home yesterday, so I told them we were actually planning on staying together for a bit. It seemed to calm them down.” This entire afternoon has been exhausting. Shelby barely has time to worry about the fact her siblings came to him before Fatin goes running her mouth off again. 

“Great! You can join us for lunch then. Toni always whips us up something afterwards. Join us, it's a Family tradition.” Fatin is enjoying torturing Shelby way too much. It’s pissing the blonde off a lot, but then she sees Toni hide a pained expression behind a light smile and she just feels the knot of stress tighten more with the guilt. 

Shelby drives Ken to Toni’s house and it’s tense. He can read her well enough to know that he overstepped. She ignores his attempts to apologize and just turns up the radio. She can’t deal with him right now. There’s too many emotions rolling around her head. 

Toni is cooking by herself because she likes everything to be just right. Ken is getting along pretty well with everyone. He has always been a people pleaser and the girls easily egg him on after having a couple of mimosas. Shelby disassociates from it all and eventually wanders away using the bathroom as an excuse. Rather than go back to the group she finds herself at her -Toni’s bedroom door. It’s masochistic but she opens it. She didn’t get a good look before, too sleepy and then too embarrassed.

The furniture is the same. Toni’s updated the photos on the wall and taken away a few of the touches Shelby added. It’s expected. A few years ago, Shelby had gotten a whole shipload of stuff sent to her. She wouldn’t have been surprised if it had been all put through the shredder, but it was all carefully packaged, including every throw pillow she bought for their bed. Her father had opened the boxes before Shelby had gotten back from work. She’s thankful that whoever sent her the stuff has the foresight to not include any photos of her and Toni. 

Shelby wishes she had some of them. She wonders. Toni keeps a box of stuff under the bed. It’s mostly nostalgic. She’s seen it before, the trinkets Toni keeps from her foster kid days and also the mementos of her past relationship with Regan. At the time Shelby never expected to be in the box, but now she hopes she is. She opens the shoebox. The old stuff along with the photos of Regan are still there. Shelby spots a photo of Toni and with a woman Shelby has never met before. She’s gorgeous. It’s unsurprising. Toni has always had an endless line of gorgeous women fawning over her, a lot of times right in front of Shelby who never mastered the art of giving off non-straight girl vibes. 

They met at UCLA Law school, at least that’s what Shelby gathers from their matching sweatshirts. She wishes she didn’t know Toni’s facial expression so well, because she can tell Toni looks actually happy. There’s more photos: the woman at a library glaring at Toni over a stack of law books, her kissing Toni's face at the beach, an actual engagement photo? She knows it’s hypocritical considering her fiance is drinking mimosas with the rest of the girls in the living room, but Shelby feels sick.

Toni and this woman were very much in love. Shelby has never loved anyone besides Toni. She doesn’t think she can. Without Toni, Marrying Ken is the best option she has. She has to marry Ken so she can stay with her family. It’s worth the sacrifice. It is. She just has to stop thinking about Toni. Toni obviously moved on. Despite her resolution Shelby still rummages through the box to find the photos of her and Toni. Just one last look. 

Well… Toni has definitely moved on. There is nothing in the box. No photo, not the toy ring they got after they became partners. Nothing. It stings. Toni has a box full of the things she treasured in her past and Shelby doesn’t make the cut. The only thing Shelby hasn’t opened is a letter addressed to Tatiana, the ex-fiance. She glares at it as she holds it in her hand. Toni can’t even keep a trinket or something to remind her of Shelby and this girl gets a letter. It’s pretty thick too. 

Shelby hears footsteps. She shoves the box back under the bed and stuff the letter inside her jacket. Nora pops her head in. Shelby lets out a sigh of relief that it’s not Toni. 

“Food is ready.” Nora says. 

“Thanks, I’ll be right out. I just …. Got lost on my way to the bathroom.” Shelby laughs. Nora smiles at Shelby’s poor excuse. 

“It’s ok to admit that you might miss this. Your old room.” Nora states no judgement in her voice. They both leave to eat with the others. Shelby’s heart is pounding. She can feel it right against the weight of the letter.


	10. Drunk Writing Gets the Job Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I getting a little lazy in my writing? - yes  
> Am I also a little drunk and just want to get this part out so I can move on to the next section? Also yes. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I understand if this chapter makes you want to quit on me. No hard feelings.

Shelby doesn’t expect to see Martha Blackburn at the table. She’s there giving everyone hugs, greeting everyone in her soft manner. It isn’t until Shelby makes eye contact with the girl that she realizes she’s pregnant. At least four months, but the stern glare of disdain Martha gives her distracts Shelby from getting excited for her friend. Shelby clears her throat. 

“Martha! It’s so good to see you. I didn’t realize you were stopping by. 

“Well, I’m not the only one making unannounced visits.” Martha states flatly. Shelby puts in a lot of effort to keep her grin on. 

“Martha, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Ken, Shellby’s fiancé” Ken reaches out a hand. Martha glances down at his hand and turns to walk to the kitchen where Toni is. Ken gives Shelby a confused expression. She shrugs, not having the energy to explain this dynamic to him. She doesn’t quite understand it herself. Martha had never been anything short of perfectly nice before. Now she’s ignoring Ken and straight up giving Shelby death glares.

The rest of the girls are too drunk and in their own conversations to notice. Toni’s cooking has definitely improved. There’s a giant chicken florentine quiche on the table but the main course is eggs benedict. Shelby tastes a bit of the hollandaise sauce and scoops out to large spoonfuls to put over her food.

Toni and Martha are still in the kitchen. Shelby chugs down the rest of her mimosa and slides out of her seat to go “refill” the glass with some water. She tiptoes to the kitchen now breaking the threshold into it. She hears Toni and Martha. 

“You’re doing so good, Toni” Martha whines. 

“I know…. The papers are signed. They’ll leave once her fiancé is done trying to turn us all into the Brady Bunch or whatever.”

“Just be careful.” Marty sighs. “The last thing you need is to throw everything away for her again.” 

“I know. You didn’t have to come all this way just to check up on me Marty. I’m surprised you can fly right now. I told you over the phone. I’m moving. The sale should be finalized in a few weeks. Shelby will be gone way before then.” The conversations seems to have reached a lull. Shelby quickly scrambles back to her seat. She’s scooting up her chair when Toni and Martha come in bringing more plates of food.

The only people in the room who seem to tolerate Shelby are the Reid sisters. Nora’s actually kind of nice, actively including Shelby in the conversation when she can. Rachel just grunts at Shelby and tersely spits out some answers. It balances to a toleration in Shelby’s book. Brunch seems to take forever. 

Shelby offers to help put away the dishes. It's just her and Martha. The girl ignores her the entire time. Once their in the kitchen alone, Shelby can't resist. 

"Why are you being so cold to me, Martha?" Shelby huffs. "I know I missed your wedding, it was just hard with my mother and family." 

"We know about your mom, Shelby" Martha states coldly. "Seriously, it wasn't hard to find an obituary online after we realizes you were planning on going radio silent for...well ever. I'm not mad about the wedding. I mean I kind of am but I didn't expect you to come. I'm mad that you abandoned us. Toni. You promised you were coming back. Why wouldn't you just tell her? " Shelby blinks a few times realizing this all blew back in her face real quickly. 

"I just... it was just hard. I didn't-" 

"Hard. Really? Dot's dad died and she got us all through the Island. Your mother dies and it gives you a free pass to ghost us? Did you even think about Toni? Toni doesn't just bounce back from that kind of thing. She loves forever. You told her to. You told her to wait because you were coming back. I guess it wasn't a complete lie since now you're here rubbing your new life in Toni's face....So yeah... I'm a little cold. No one's ever hurt Toni like this. Not even her mom. Not even close." Martha looks away from Shelby intent on washing the dishes. Shelby walks away hurriedly.

Ken's too drunk to notice how upset she is By the time she’ drags a drunk him back to the hotel, she’s exhausted. Her fiancé passes out on the bed. Shelby can’t bring herself to care. Her minds replaying Martha's words in her head. She needs to stop thinking about it. She’s suddenly very aware of the letter in her jacket and opens it. The envelope isn't sealed. 

  
  
  


_ ******  _

__

_ Tatiana,  _

__

_ This is kind of corny, and cheesy, and I will write a better version of this letter with complete sentences when I am not drunk out of my mind. Promise xxx  _

  
  


_ I miss you. I think about you everyday, and I know that I hurt you. I am sorry. I messed up monumentally. I understand why you left. I understand if you can never find it in your heart to forgive me. I just need you to know I love you. I still do.  _

__

_ AND I didn’t go to Texas to get Shelby back. I promise. I just had to finish something I had started.  _

__

_ I wanted to make sure Shelby had a way out if she wanted it. It would have eaten me up inside if I didn’t try. As long as Shelby’s father has uncontested legal custody of her siblings, Shelby would have been trapped for a long fucking time. I spent most of my free time 1rst year working on a case that could get her custody. I hit a wall 2nd year but figured it out right after we graduated. This PI I hired made a breakthrough. It was complete. I just needed to get it to her. It just felt like I had to. I didn’t think it would hurt you. I am sorry.  _

__

_ Her fiancé took the case files but he legit just looked at me like I was crazy. Of course, she never ended up using it. She was happy where she was.  _

__

_ Also, it’s not like I changed my whole career path just for Shelby okay. I am a kickass lawyer and I make bank because I am good at it. It was more of just like a little nudge. I mean I could’ve just used my settlement money to hire a lawyer but I chose the hard way because I was heartbroken and stupid. You already know I am stupid and still managed to love me so props Tats.  _

__

_ I was happy with you. I promise, but I don’t want to dismiss your feelings. You were right. I hadn’t completely gotten over Shelby. To be honest, a part of me will always be in love with her. Shelby was the love of my life for a long time. The island, throughout college, I thought we were going to be together forever. It just took a long time for me to reprogram that idea in my head. When she left for Texas, she promised me she was coming back. I believed her.  _

__

_ You were right to be angry, upset, betrayed. I should’ve told you about the case from the start. I didn’t want to lie to you. I just couldn’t face the loss and I completely disassociated from the situation (That’s what my therapist says) I am sorry.  _

__

_ I now realize, if I was meant to be with Shelby, she would want to be with me. She wouldn’t have left. She chose. I’ve also made my choice. I want to be with you.  _

__

_ It’s taken me two years to fully prepare because I wanted to be fully sure. I also was in denial for a while after we broke. You know how I get, but once I came to my senses, I got to work on getting better.  _

__

_ I didn’t want there to be a chance that I could hurt you again. I will never forgive myself for hunting you. I started seeing this new therapist. It was tough. She really made me face my demons and shit. _

__

_ Initially, I was doing it for you, maybe Marty a little bit. But now I know I am doing this for myself. I want to be happy. I am fully letting go. Shelby is my past. You are my future (hopefully, fuck don’t pressure her Toni.)  _

__

_ I’m selling the house with the 6 thousand dollar fire place I bought for her that she’ll never see. I got rid of all her old things. Marty says I have made real progress. I’m ready. I’ve finally learned to let her go. If you still want to give us a chance, I am ready to be with you.  _

__

_ I’m going to be out of reach for two months. Finally going on that trip alone. I will be traveling when you get this. I’m flying back to the Bay. If you still want there to be an us, meet me at Pier 49 on August 7th. Same dock and same time where we had our first date. Or if you really can’t make it just message me. I’ll go wherever you are. Nothing in this world could stop me. I promise. I’ll be there no matter what. I love you.  _

__

_ Love Toni  _

__

_ P.S. I will be ok. If you have moved on and are happy, then that’s great. Like I’ll probably cry and eat a bunch of bread or something, but I still want you to be happy. I love you. I will always love you.  _

__

_ Be more poetic  _

_ Don’t use I every sentence TOONI  _

_ Put in some anecdotes  _

_ Use Shelby’s name less  _

_ Have Nora spellcheck the final draft  _

_ Maybe Leah  _

_ Leah is better at the sappy shit  _

  
  
  
  



End file.
